British Cuisine: A Culinary Adventure

A sampling of traditional British food explained, including a full English breakfast, Yorkshire pudding, haggis, and bangers and mash. 

When you think of British food, hearty, comforting dishes often come to mind. This guide takes you on a delicious journey through British cuisine, exploring the history of iconic meals and revealing where to find the best of them. 

For a truly immersive experience, consider indulging in wine and dine hotel breaks in the United Kingdom to elevate your culinary adventure. These special hotel packages include both accommodation and a gourmet dining experience, especially popular for short getaways. 

“Scotland’s national dish, haggis, is a savory pudding made from sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, mixed with onions, oatmeal and spices, all encased in the sheep’s stomach. ”

A Journey Through Regional U.K. Specialties

The full English breakfast

Start your day the British way with a full English breakfast. This robust morning meal features eggs, bacon, sausages, black pudding (aka blood sausage), baked beans, tomatoes and mushrooms, and is often accompanied by toast or fried bread. 

Dating back to the early 1800s, this breakfast staple was designed to fuel workers for the day ahead. 

Variations like Scottish and Irish breakfasts add regional twists, showcasing local products and cooking methods. An Irish breakfast might include white pudding (no blood involved) and soda bread, while a Scottish version could swap black pudding for haggis — a savory “pudding” made with sheep offal (more on this later). 

Yorkshire pudding and Sunday roast

Head north to Yorkshire for a taste of their famous Yorkshire pudding, a savory delight traditionally served with Sunday roast. This classic British meal includes roasted meat, potatoes, vegetables and plenty of gravy. Yorkshire pudding, made from meat drippings — the juices and fat that accumulate at the bottom of a roasting pan — has roots going back to the 18th century. Today, countless pubs and restaurants across the U.K. serve this cherished dish, particularly on Sundays.

Fish and chips

No discussion of British cuisine is complete without fish and chips. This beloved dish, featuring battered and deep-fried fish with thick-cut chips (what Americans call French fries), originated in the 19th century. Jewish immigrants introduced fried fish, while the working class embraced potatoes. Coastal towns like Whitby and Brighton are famed for their fresh, seaside-sourced fish and chips.

The Welsh cawl

Welsh cuisine’s standout dish, cawl, is a hearty soup made from lamb or beef, leeks, potatoes and other root vegetables. Perfect for winter, cawl reflects Wales’ agricultural heritage. Enjoy it with crusty bread and cheese in a Cardiff pub or a rural Welsh village for an authentic experience.

Scottish haggis

Scotland’s national dish, haggis, is a savory pudding made from sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, mixed with onions, oatmeal and spices, all encased in the sheep’s stomach. Despite its unusual ingredients, haggis is cherished for its rich flavor and cultural significance. Traditionally served with neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes), you can find haggis across Scotland, especially during Burns Night in January.

Historical Influences on British Cuisine

The Impact of the British Empire

The British Empire’s extensive reach brought a diverse array of global flavors to the U.K., transforming British cuisine in remarkable ways.

India: Spices like turmeric, cumin and coriander became staples in Britain, leading to popular dishes such as chicken tikka masala and various curries.

China: The British fascination with tea from China led to the development of afternoon tea, a beloved tradition featuring tea accompanied by scones, finger sandwiches and pastries.

The Caribbean: Sugar from the Caribbean revolutionized British desserts, introducing sweet treats like treacle tart and fruitcake, as well as the use of molasses in baking.

Africa: Ingredients like yams and plantains found their way into British kitchens, enriching the culinary landscape with new textures and flavors.

Australia: Lamb from Australia influenced British meat dishes, while exotic fruits like kiwis and passionfruit added a new dimension to British desserts.

These global influences melded with traditional British cooking to create a rich and varied culinary heritage, reflecting the empire’s far-reaching connections.

The Rise of Pub Culture

British pubs are more than just places to drink; they’re community hubs offering traditional English fare. Pub grub includes traditional fare like:

Steak and ale pie

This hearty dish features tender beef stewed in rich ale, encased in a flaky pastry crust. It’s a comforting classic often served with mashed potatoes and vegetables.

Bangers and mash

A traditional favorite, this dish consists of sausages (bangers) served with creamy mashed potatoes (mash) and usually accompanied by a savory onion gravy.

Ploughman’s lunch

A cold meal typically including cheese, pickles, bread and cold meats, often served with chutney and salad. It’s a staple in pubs, offering a simple yet satisfying option.

Enjoy these classics in the convivial atmosphere of a local pub, accompanied by regional ales and ciders.

Where to Savor Authentic British Flavors

London’s Diverse Food Scene

London’s food culture is a blend of tradition and modernity. Borough Market and Covent Garden are hotspots for British cuisine, offering everything from artisanal cheeses to savory pies. 

The city’s dining establishments range from traditional to contemporary, providing a true taste of Britain’s culinary heritage. 

London is a world-class dining city, home to numerous Michelin-starred restaurants and innovative chefs who push culinary boundaries. 

Whether you’re in the mood for a classic pub meal or an avant-garde dining experience, London’s vibrant and diverse food scene has something for everyone.

Coastal Culinary Adventures

For seafood enthusiasts, the U.K.’s coastal regions are a treasure trove of fresh fish and shellfish. Savor smoked salmon from Scotland, and shellfish like scallops, mussels and oysters, some of the finest in the world. In Whitby, enjoy kippers, a type of smoked herring, while Wales offers delicacies such as cockles (mollusks that are usually steamed or boiled) and laverbread, a traditional seaweed dish. And Cornwall is famous for its crab and lobster. 

Cornish pasty

While you’re in Cornwall, try a Cornish pasty: diced meat (traditionally beef), potatoes, turnips (swedes) and onions encased in a sturdy, crimped pastry shell, making it a convenient and hearty meal for miners and other laborers. Today, it remains a popular British snack, enjoyed hot or cold.

Countryside Retreats

The British countryside, with its cozy pubs and charming restaurants, is perfect for a gastronomic tour. Wine and dine U.K. hotel breaks are popular among tourists, offering comfortable stays and meals featuring British recipes and seasonal ingredients.

A Flavorful Tour of British Cuisine 

British cuisine, with its comforting yet exciting variety, reflects the diverse regions of the United Kingdom. From a full English breakfast to haggis, each dish tells a story of the land and its people. 

Whether you’re enjoying lunch in a village pub, savoring seafood on the coast, or munching on fish and chips by the seaside, the flavors of Britain will leave a lasting impression. –Mashum Mollah

Cochineal Red: How Bugs Created One of the World’s Most Expensive Colors

From Aztec “cactus blood” to British redcoats to a Starbucks scandal, cochineal has long been coveted. Just don’t tell your vegetarian friends they’ve probably eaten bugs.

Who’d have thought that a tiny cactus-eating bug would end up being responsible for one of the most-sought-after dyes?

Primal and elemental, the color red is associated with such varied emotions as love, sin, anger — and even, thanks to Charles Dickens — the frustration that comes from red tape, a metaphor for the rigid rules and procedures of bureaucracy. 

First coveted by the ancient Aztec and Inca civilizations, the highly prized crimson dye-producing cochineal insect has been used since then to create the color red. It even enabled the Spanish Crown to finance its empire for nearly two centuries. 

“It takes nearly 70,000 cochineal bugs to make a single pound of red pigment. ”

For a long time, a Mexican bug had the entire world seeing red.

Bugging Out: The Nopal Cactus and the Cochineal 

Although occasionally referred to as a beetle, cochineal (pronounced “coke-in-neel”) is in fact a scale insect, a parasitic bug that attaches itself to a host plant, drawing sustenance from it. They’re about the size of a peppercorn and resemble a burgundy-colored piece of gnocchi. 

It’s the female cochineal bugs that can be used to create red — it just takes 70,000 of them to make 1 pound of dye.

At maturity, it produces a white, cottony covering as camouflage to hide from predators. Clusters can be found in abundance on the wide, flat “paddles” or “pads” of the nopal, the fruit-bearing prickly pear cactus. In addition to their downy coats, the female cochineal produces a chemical called carminic acid, which is the source of the color used to make a red dye. 

The lifecycle of a Polish variety of the cochineal insect

The Aztecs were the first to domesticate cochineal and referred to the insects as nocheztli, Nahuatl for “cactus blood.” A colorfast pigment was produced by harvesting and grinding the dried carcasses of the female cochineal bug into a fine powder. In the dyeing process, a mordant is used to fix the color. Different metallic compounds yield different shades. Aztecs often added a mordant of aluminum sulfate to the dye bath to bind the carminic acid to ritual and ceremonial textiles worn by their rulers as a symbol of wealth and status. 

A red to dye for

Blood Money

Cochineal quickly became a prized commodity for Spain soon after Hernán Cortés and the conquistadors discovered macnu, the scarlet-colored pigment sold in cakelike form in the Aztec markets of Tenochtitlan. The Spanish saw the commercial value of these bugs, which quickly became the third-most valuable export of the New World, after gold and silver. 

Nothing in Europe could match the bright red that came from the cochineal bug. The Madonna With the Iris, from the workshop of Albrecht Dürer, circa 1500-1510

Cochineal red finally escaped the clutches of Spain-controlled Mexico, thanks to a sneaky botanist named Thiéry de Menonville. Here are pages from his sketchbook showing cochineal and the nopal cactus.

It takes nearly 70,000 insects to make a single pound of pigment. At the time, Europe didn't have a dye that matched the brilliance and longevity of cochineal. For this reason, cultivation was restricted to Spanish-controlled Mexico from the 16th century up until 1777, when a young French botanist by the name of Nicolas-Joseph Thiéry de Menonville managed to smuggle cochineal-infested cactus pads to Haiti. 

Some of the iconic redcoats of the British military were dyed with cochineal — the fact that they somewhat masked blood stains was a bonus.

The Redcoats Used It, as a Madder of Fact

The term “redcoats” was coined in Tudor Ireland to refer to the British military uniform, which included the now-iconic fiery red jacket.

Only officers’ coats were dyed scarlet with cochineal bugs.

After passing the New Model Army ordinance in 1645, the British military officially adopted red as its uniform color. Most were dyed a rusty red using the cheaper and more accessible madder root. The costlier scarlet obtained from cochineal was reserved for officers and sergeants. It’s said that red was used because it wouldn’t show blood stains, but blood dries to a blackish color, and this is believed to be a myth. 

Taste the rainbow — as well as some bugs! Prior to 2009, the “natural color” used to make your favorite red candies, including Skittles and Starburst, came from dried, ground-up cochineal insects.

Food for Thought: You’re Eating Bugs!

Not limited to clothing, cochineal (or carmine, as it’s also called) is used to give alcoholic beverages, cosmetics, shampoo and pharmaceuticals a bright red color. 

It’s also used in food. In 2012, cochineal made headlines when Starbucks faced a public relations furor. Vegetarians and others who didn’t like the idea of eating bugs learned that the source of the red color in popular food items such as their Red Velvet Whoopie Pie and Strawberries and Crème Frappuccino contained insect guts. 

But the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has tested and approved cochineal as a food coloring. To make this more appealing to consumers, it's often listed by other designations. So the next time you’re picking up something at the store, watch out for these ingredients, which are all other names for cochineal or carmine: E120, carminic acid, crimson lake or natural red 4 — because, really, what’s more natural than bugs?

I’ve unintentionally swallowed my fair share of insects while riding my bike to work. Sure, it’s gross — but compared to synthetic red dyes such as Red No. 2 and Red No. 40, which carry far greater health risks and are derived from coal or petroleum byproducts, bugs sound positively appetizing. –Duke

Lead White: The Deadliest Color?

Other ways to make white pigment paled in comparison — but was it worth the risk of lead poisoning?

Queen Elizabeth I loved her white makeup (made from a toxic blend of lead and vinegar) so much that she supposedly had an inch’s worth on her face when she died.

White: the color that evokes the purity of freshly fallen snow and the innocence of virgins. If you’ve ever flicked through a bridal magazine, you can’t help but notice the color white — though you no longer need be chaste to wear it.

But how can one of the earliest and most important pigments produced by mankind be one of the deadliest in the history of color? Its popularity was all the more alarming, given that it could result in lead poisoning (also referred to as painters’ colic or plumbism). Adult symptoms include headaches, abdominal cramps, joint and muscle pain and high blood pressure. Children can suffer developmental delays, learning difficulties and weight loss.

“Geishas used lead white makeup — it contrasted beautifully with their teeth, which they painted black.”

Japanese geishas are part of a long line of standards of beauty that decree that the whiter the skin the lovelier.

A Recipe for Lead White: Don’t Try This at Home 

Since antiquity, artists have used pigments to represent the colors they saw in the natural world. Lead was used  as the principal white pigment in paintings and glazes from ancient times until the 20th century. 

The statues you see in museums and at historic sites were originally painted — and that often included the poisonous lead white.

The laborious process was documented by Roman author and naturalist Pliny the Elder. First, pour a bit of vinegar into the bottom of an earthenware pot. Place a wooden spacer in the pot with a coiled band of lead on top so that only the rising vapors from the vinegar come in contact with the metal. The clay vessel was then surrounded by fresh animal dung and left in a sealed chamber for 30 days. As the manure fermented, it released carbon dioxide, which reacted with the vinegar and chemically corroded the lead, producing the perfect conditions for white papery flakes to grow. 

Pliny the Elder shared his recipe for the bright but toxic shade of white made from lead.

After a month or so, some poor soul was sent to retrieve the pieces of lead, which were now covered with a crust of lead carbonate. This was scraped, cleaned and washed to remove impurities. The raw pigment was ground into powder, formed into small cakes and left to dry in the sun for several days before being sold.

Sure, the process to make lead white cakes could lead to severe ailments — but it was just so bright and pretty!

The resulting pigment was highly valued by artists. Affordable and dense, painters swore by its ease to work with and primed their canvases with it to make their works appear more luminous. 

Art historians are also grateful for its use. When combined with the use of x-ray imaging technology, the paint reveals details such as the earlier stages, alterations and additions of a painting. 

A self-portrait of James McNeill Whistler, who used lead white paint in his works.

Whistler: What a Mama's Boy

One such painter who used lead white was the American-born, British-based artist James McNeill Whistler (1834-1903). Whistler is perhaps best remembered for the iconic portrait, painted in 1871, of his mother. Titled Arrangement in Grey and Black, No. 1, most know it as Whistler’s Mother. It was the first artwork by an American artist to be purchased by the French government for display in a museum. When it’s not traveling, it resides at the Musée d'Orsay in Paris. The painting represents the peak of Whistler’s radical method of modulating tones of a single color.  

This technique began years earlier when he submitted The White Girl to the 1862 Royal Academy of Arts exhibition in London to demonstrate his talents to the world. The ethereal painting depicts his mistress, Joanna Hiffernan, a well-known beauty who modeled for other artists of the day. Tousled locks of red hair frame her expressionless face as she stands atop a wolfskin rug that, to me, disturbingly resembles the pelt of a yellow Lab. 

Whistler’s The White Girl was deemed too modern for the Salon exhibition in Paris.

As far as the British were concerned, the work was too avant-garde. It was rejected by the Academy and ended up in the Salon des Refusés, a protest exhibition organized by the French painter Gustave Courbet.  

Whistler later retitled the work Symphony in White, No.1, perhaps after empathetic art critic Paul Manz commented on the subtle variations of white in the Gazette des Beaux-Arts as a “symphonie du blanc.”

Geishas still wear a stark white makeup as a sort of mask.

The Lingering Perception That Pale Is Beautiful 

In addition to painting, lead white was used in cosmetics. The controversial quest for lighter skin and its association with beauty, social status and wealth has existed since Ancient Egypt. Women of Ancient Greece and Rome whitened their skin with powders and creams made from lead. Japanese geishas also used it — it contrasted beautifully with their teeth, which they had fashionably painted black using a solution of powdered oak galls and vinegar.

Japanese felt that a geisha’s stark white skin paired perfectly with blackened teeth.

The beauty product Snail White (made from actual snail secretions!) is said to leave your skin more pale — and therefore more beautiful.

When Wally and I visited Thailand, we saw shelves at the 7-Elevens stocked with pink and white boxes of Snail White skincare products to give you paler skin. The main ingredient? Mucus secreted by snails. Pretty!

Queen Elizabeth I first began using her lead white makeup as a sort of putty to spackle smallpox scarring.

Fit For a Queen: From Elizabeth I to Laird’s Bloom of Youth

What could have possessed 15th century European courtiers to smear the stuff on their faces? Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) was 29 years old when she was diagnosed with smallpox. She survived the deadly illness but was left with smallpox-scarred skin. She appreciated the cosmetic’s ability to conceal her scars, so she adopted her now-famous chalk-white visage. The queen used Venetian ceruse (also known as spirits of Saturn), a foundation produced by combining powdered lead and vinegar. While it may have smoothed her complexion, it was exceedingly toxic — especially when worn for long periods of time. 

Elizabeth I’s legendary white makeup was used to help rebrand herself the Virgin Queen.

Elizabeth used her image to frame the narrative of a virgin queen who didn’t need a husband — she was wedded to her country. When she died at the age of 69, it was rumored that she had a full inch of makeup on her face, which, ironically, may have contributed to her death. 

Commercial lead makeup products like George W. Laird’s Bloom of Youth were introduced in the 19th century. Laird ran a series of advertisements in fashionable New York magazines, promising to smooth and whiten the skin. 

“It will immediately obliterate all such imperfections, and is entirely harmless. It has been chemically analyzed by the Board of Health of New York City and pronounced entirely free from any material injurious to the health or skin,” the ad (untruthfully) claimed.

Laird’s Bloom of Youth claimed to be harmless — but it wasn’t!

Women took notice and applied Laird’s Bloom of Youth foundation to their faces. Perhaps some women thought that a little bit wouldn’t hurt, and by the time the truth was clear, it was probably too late. –Duke

Mulligatawny Soup: Where It Originated and How to Make It

One of the more flavorful (and seemingly bizarre) soup recipes, this Indian dish has many variations. Here’s our favorite.

British colonists in India insisted on a soup course — and mulligatawny was born

The British historically aren’t known for their culinary skills. Sure, they can whip up a myriad of delicious cakes, as The Great British Baking Show has taught us. But when it comes to meals, many Brits are as bland as can be. My Welsh grandmother once told me, “The only spices you need are salt and pepper.” I disagreed, and with the rise of curry shops around England, the British eventually came around as well. It’s strange to me that a country that colonized so many parts of the world took so long to add bold flavors to its cuisine.

When you try mulligatawny soup, there’s no denying it’s an unexpected but delicious blending of British and Indian culinary styles.

The Origins of Mulligatawny Soup

Indian meals are traditionally served all at once, the containers placed in the center of the table, family-style, with everyone digging in and helping themselves to the shared dishes.

During the British Raj, between 1858 and 1947, when the sun never set on the British Empire, the fussy British colonists and soldiers refused to alter their way of dining, which I’m sure they felt was much more civilized. And that included a soup course.

Well, there wasn’t really an Indian soup, per se, so the servants would water down one of their occupiers’ favorite dishes, milagu tannir, which translates to “pepper water” in Tamil, a southern Indian dialect. (One source says the dish was molegoo tunes, a broth drunk by poor Sri Lankans.) The British never seemed to worry about pronouncing things incorrectly, and they garbled the dish until it came out mulligatawny, as it’s known today.

The colonists brought mulligatawny back to Britain, where it’s a staple on pub menus, though the recipe varies widely. We’re partial to the version my mom makes.

Ingredients

• 2-3 stalks celery, thinly sliced

• 2 chicken breasts, cooked, cooled and shredded

• 5 garlic cloves, minced

• 3 tablespoons garam masala

• 2 teaspoons curry powder

• 8 cups chicken broth

• 2 bay leaves

• 1 teaspoon ground ginger

• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter

• 2½ cups onion, chopped

• 3 large Granny Smith apples, diced

• 1 small can diced green chilies

• 2 cups carrots, chopped

• 3 tablespoons lemon juice

• 1 14-ounce can diced tomatoes

• Salt and pepper to taste

• 1 cup heavy cream
   

Apples, curry, carrots, garam masala, chicken, green chilies and onions all come together in a surprisingly cohesive and delicious meal

Preparation

Put oil and butter in a skillet until it melts.

Sauté onion for 4-5 minutes.

Add garlic, sautéing for 2 minutes.

Add the rest of the ingredients to a large pot, except the heavy cream. Cover and simmer.

Ladle out some of the warm liquid and slowly add the heavy cream while stirring. This will help prevent the cream from curdling. Add it back to the pot and cover.

Simmer for at least an hour. The longer the better.

Serve with fresh parsley (and a dollop of sour cream if you’d like).

Back in the day, the heavy cream was coconut milk, so feel free to substitute that.

The original recipe also called for a potato (peeled and chopped), but the Shirl swaps this out for another apple. You can’t tell the difference, she says, and she likes the added sweetness. –Wally

Christmas Around the World

Learn strange Christmas traditions from other countries.

Why are these people in blackface? It’s just one of the quirky Dutch Christmas traditions!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, as the song goes. But in many parts of the world, it’s one of the strangest times of the year as well.

Americans have their share of kooky Christmas traditions, including the belief that a misfit reindeer with a glowing red nose named Rudolph flies through the sky, helping pull a fat man’s sleigh. Not to mention that said fat man somehow fits all the presents for every kid onto this sleigh and makes it around the world, slipping down chimneys, all in a single night.
But that’s nothing compared to some of the holiday traditions in other parts of the world.

“People in the Netherlands dress as Black Peter, a Moor, by putting on blackface. ”

For example, Christmas takes on a strangely scatalogical bent in Catalonia, a region of Spain. People place the figurine of a guy in the act of deficating in their nativity scenes as well as beat a log until it poops out treats for kids.

And in Austria and other parts of Europe, if you’re a naughty child, a devil named Krampus will kidnap you, beat you savagely with a stick and drag you to Hell.

Here are some of the more bizarre ways to celebrate the holidays in other parts of the world.

The Dutch version of Santa Claus has a helper named Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter

Go in blackface as Santa’s helper in the Netherlands.

Sinterklaas, as Santa Claus is known to the Dutch people, travels with his servant. But instead of diminutive elves, Sinterklaas is accompanied by Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter. Today people dress as Black Peter, a Moor, by putting on blackface. Not very PC — it’s amazing this tradition still exists. It wouldn’t in the United States, I’ll tell ya that.

Someone’s been naughty and needs to get stuffed into a sack and sent off to Spain!

It’s these fellows who keep tabs on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. The good kids get presents, while the bad ones are shoved into a sack and taken off to Spain for a year of reform school.

Spiderweb decorations are common in Ukraine and Poland

Decorate the tree with spiderweb ornaments in Ukraine and Poland.

Spiderweb ornaments might sound more Halloween than Christmas, but there’s a story behind them. A poor Ukrainian widow lived with her children in a hut. The kids saw a majestic evergreen outside and wanted it to be their Christmas tree. Trouble was, they didn’t have any ornaments and couldn’t afford them.

So the woman cried herself to sleep that night. The hut’s spiders heard her sobs and decorated the tree in intricate webs overnight. In the morning, the sunrise caught the webs and made them glisten like metal. And everyone lived happily ever after, as they tend to do in these fairy tales.

In Poland, they also decorate Christmas trees with spiderwebs, but there’s a different tale behind this tradition. They believe a spider wove a blanket for baby Jesus. I’m sure it wasn’t warm and was annoyingly sticky, but I suppose they appreciated the sentiment.  

If a witch can’t find a broom in your house, Norwegians think she’ll leave you alone

Hide brooms from the witches in Norway.

Apparently witches and evil spirits like to come out to play on Christmas Eve. So Norwegians, to keep them at bay, hide their brooms, which we all know is a witch’s favorite means of travel. To thwart the witches and evil spirits, men will also fire three shots from their rifles into the air.

These nuns in Venezuela were off to celebrate Christmas mass on roller skates

Roller skate to church in Venezuela.

Amid the explosions of firecrackers, entire Venezuelan families in Caracas don roller skates and head off to Catholic mass. As tradition has it, children go to bed with a piece of string tied around their toe with the other end dangling out the window. As the skaters roll past, they give the string a tug, and children know that it’s time to put their own skates on. It’s such a popular tradition that the government took to closing entire streets to traffic so families could skate together in safety. This has gotta be the only time church feels like a disco club. All that’s missing is the mirror ball.

Grab your horse skull! It’s time to go wassailing in Wales!

Carol (and beg for booze) with a dead horse in Wales.

Perhaps you’ve heard the song that begins, “Here we come a-wassailing.” This is the Welsh version of caroling. Wassail is an old England word for “cheers” and can also refer to the boozy beverages the carolers are begging for: ale or mulled wine.

The old Mari Lwyd just ain’t what she used to be

The tradition, known as Mari Lwyd, translates to the Gray Mare, involves people going from house to house, singing and challenging the families inside to a battle of rhyming insults until they get a boozy beverage. What makes this creepy is that one person dresses up like a horse, donning a white sheet topped with an actual horse skull adorned with ears and eyes.

Take me to church

Bring a rooster to mass in Bolivia.

Bolivians celebrate Misa del Gallo (Mass of the Rooster), the midnight service on Christmas Eve, by bringing along a rooster. It must get quite boisterous. But what’s with all the cocks? It’s to honor the creature that is believed to be the first to have announced the birth of baby Jesus.

Dark-haired men, come on in! Blonde and red-haired women, stay the heck away!

Hope for a dark-haired man to visit you on Christmas in Estonia and Ireland.

Your first Christmas visitor (the first-footer) can determine if your household will have a good year or not — at least that’s what the Estonians believe. If you’re a woman, blonde or red-haired, just stay home, though, please. It’s really only dark-haired gents who bring good luck.

Ireland has the same tradition, though they light a candle and, at the last stroke of midnight, throw open their front doors to welcome in the New Year. Women will beat the door with a loaf of bread, while hoping for a dark-haired gentleman to darken their doorway.

People in Finland buy small tin horseshoes to melt on New Year’s Eve as part of a fortune-telling ritual

Melt tin and predict the future in Finland.

You might need a book of symbols and their meanings for this tradition. On New Year’s Eve, Finns purchase small tin horseshoes to melt and ladles. The molten tin is dropped  into a bucket of snow or ice-cold water. Once it hardens, they hold the blob up to the light to see what shape its shadow casts. If it looks like a hill, for example, there will be obstacles ahead. If it looks like a coin, you’ll be coming into some money.

Pesky Greek goblins called the kallikantzari take a break from trying to cut down the World Tree to cause mischief on the 12 days of Christmas

Kallikantzari like to scare humans — and poop in their food

Watch out for goblins in Greece.

According to Greek legend, the hobgoblins called kallikantzari come up from their underground homes on Christmas Day to play tricks on humans until Ephiphany, January 6. They’re particularly fond of sneaking down the chimney like Santa to hide in your home and jump out and scare you. The kallikantzari also rearrange the furniture and, shudder, take dumps in any open containers of food they find.

Grab a colander — it’s one of the best ways to get rid of these Greek goblins

If you want to avoid goblin crap on your cookies, burn logs or old shoes, or hang sausages or sweetmeats in the chimney. In addition, many Greeks put a colander on their doorsteps because the goblins will be compelled to count the holes. They don’t make much headway, though, according to A Scary Little Christmas, because the dim-witted creatures can only count to two.

They’re burning Mickey Mouse?! What did he ever do to hurt anyone?

Burn effigies in Ecuador.

In their own version of Guy Fawkes Day, Ecuadorians celebrate La Quema de los Años Viejos, the Burning of the Old Years. They make life-size dolls that resemble someone they dislike — maybe a local politician or the ever-popular Osama bin Laden. (I’m going to guess that Trump is a new fave.) People write notes explaining why the dolls should be burned and what changes they’d like to see in the coming year.

The effigies are proudly displayed on balconies or in windows until New Year's Eve, when they’re burned in a bonfire in the street. People jump over the fires for good luck.

Don’t be late on the winter solstice — you’ll be the Thomas Donkey and will end up the butt of jokes all day

Try not to become a donkey in Germany.

Don’t be an ass! In Germany, the Winter Solstice is also known as St. Thomas Day. It’s not a good day to be tardy. In parts of the Sauerland region, if you sleep in or get to work late, you’re given a cardboard donkey. called the Thomas Donkey and you’ll be the butt of jokes all day.

At least you’re rewarded at the end of the day with Thomasplitzchen, iced currant buns.

“The Greek goblins known as the kallikantzari like to take dumps in any open containers of food they find.”

Put on your skates and grab your cock before hitting midnight mass! Maybe you can incorporate some of these traditions into your Yuletide celebrations! –Wally

British Slang That Confuses Americans

That chav you were snogging is such a wanker. I thought he was a poofter but he got her up the duff. Learn what this means and other British expressions!

I must have a thing for British nannies. I collected two of them as good friends in my first years in Chicago: edgy and artsy Heather and the sassy, glam party girl Jo.

There were definitely some communication issues between me and my new mates — like mixing up snog and shag (there’s quite a difference between kissing someone and having sex with them).

For instance, it took me a while to realize that whenever a Brit said they were pissed, they actually meant drunk and not upset.

And then there’s wally, my name, which turns out to be an insult in Britain. It’s what you call someone’s who’s silly or inept. Heck, maybe it’s accurate after all.

Here are a few of my favorites British slang terms that you might want to add to your vocabulary.

Alright?: What’s up?

Like our expression, you don’t have to actually answer the question. People don’t really care if you’re alright or what is up. Responding, “Alright” right back to them is common, or you can just offer up another greeting.

Bender: Gay guy

The term is offensive, but I’m not sure if it’s as bad as calling someone a fag. I assume it comes from the idea of bending over. Not to be confused with what we call a bender in the States — an extensive alcoholic binge.

On the blob: On the rag, having your period

This disgusting term was one of Heather’s favorites. It’s funny that Americans focus on the product (rag meaning tampon or pad, one imagines), while the Brits have evoked a vivid image of the blood and uterine lining that come out during that time of the month.

Oh Bollocks GIF from Ohbollocks GIFs

Bollocks: Testicles; nonsense

I guess it’s like us seeing something ridiculous and yelling out, “Balls!”

Bugger: To butt-fuck

This word gets used in a variety of expressions, from telling someone to “bugger off” (go away) to a person who knows “bugger all” (nothing).

Chat up: to flirt

A guy at a bar might see a girl and say he’s going to “chat her up.”

Vicky OMG GIF from Vicky GIFs

Chav: Britain’s version of white trash

Chavs are label whores, wearing designer sportswear (sometimes just the knockoffs). They’re known for being loud and obnoxious. Chavs can be hot, in a trashy way.

Chuffed: Pleased

I don’t know why, but I always thought this meant upset. Maybe cuz it’s a mix of “chafed” and “huff.” Turns out it’s the opposite, though. Being chuffed’s a good thing.

Cock up: Mess up

No, this isn’t a term for an erection. You might say you really cocked something up.

Cracking: Excellent

We might not want something that’s cracked, but the Brits think it’s a desirable state.

Daft: Silly, foolish

Guess this gives new meaning to the band Daft Punk.

Up the duff: Pregnant

What’s odd is that a duff is a flour pudding boiled or steamed in a cloth bag. Coincidence?

I’m easy: I’m flexible, I’ll do what whatever

In the United States, this would be stating that you’re a slut. In Britain, it means you’re a go-with-the-flow kind of person.

Woman Smokes Pall Malls GIF from Smoke GIFs

Fag: Cigarette

When someone wants a fag, it’s good to know what they’re asking for.

Fagged: Tired

Maybe it’s cuz gays are so dramatic all the time, it’s exhausting. (Though it probably has more to do with the concept of the “fag end,” or the very end of something.)

Fancy dress: Costume

If you get invited to a fancy dress party, they’re really saying to wear a costume. Weird, I know. How is dressing like a sexy nurse being “fancy”?

Fanny: Pussy, vagina

This one really cracks those Brits up. We say fanny for butt (though it’s not very common anymore). But we do talk about fanny packs when we travel — which is like saying you’re going to wear your pussy pack.

Fit: Hot, good-looking

It doesn’t necessarily mean the person is in good shape, but maybe that just goes with the territory.

Get off: Have sex

It sounds crass when you say it that way. But when you get off with someone, you’ve gotten lucky.

Gutted: Disappointed, upset

Just like a flayed fish, I guess.

Jammy: Lucky

This doesn’t mean you’re slathered in strawberry preserves — unless that’s your idea of good luck.

Jumper: Sweater

In the U.S., a girl might wear a little dress we call a jumper, but the word has another connotation in England.

Kerfuffle: Commotion, fuss

This is a popular expression from one of our favorite sketch comedy shows, Little Britain. The characters always seem to be getting into a right kerfuffle.

Sleepy GIF from Sleepy GIFs

Knackered: Extremely tired

Jo always seemed to be “bloody knackered.” I didn’t dub her the Rock ’n’ Roll Nanny for nuthin’.

Knob: Penis, jerk, idiot, dork

We call someone who’s a jerk a dick, but knob seems to be a more general insult for anyone you don’t like.

Prat: Dumbass, idiot

Don’t feel like one if you don’t know this word. But it’s always nice to know when you’re being insulted.

After The Fourth Drink GIF from Drinking GIFs

Pissed: Drunk

When you’re pissed in America, you’re really upset about something. In Britain, you’ve just had too much to drink.

Pissing around, pissing about: Wasting time, acting immature

No, it doesn’t mean urinating in a circle.

Taking the piss (out of someone): Making fun of someone

Oh boy, this one was an odd one to hear. I have no idea why removing someone’s urine would translate to teasing, but every language has its bizarre expressions.

Cableguy Tounge GIF from Cableguy GIFs

Poof, poofter: Fag, male homosexual

Usually used to describe someone overly effeminate.

On the pull: Trying to get laid

Guess you’re trying to lure someone in.

Quid: Pound

We’re talking currency here, folks. It’s the equivalent of how we call a dollar a buck in the U.S.

Read: Major in

I read English in college, so I had to read a lot of English literature. It sounds weird to me that you can read business, medicine, law or the like.

Made redundant: Get laid off

The American expression just doesn’t seem as brutal as the British one. It’s like, Sorry, you’re no longer useful; you’re superfluous. That’s just kicking someone when they’re down.

Shag Austin Powers GIF from Shag GIFs

Shag: Fuck

Don’t confuse this with snog. Brits can shag on a shag carpet.

Get shirty: Be annoyed, in a bad mood

I wonder what about being like this particular article of clothing translates to a foul mood.

Slag: Slut, promiscuous person

Slag is a byproduct of the smelting process. Maybe the connotation with people is that they’re castoffs. 

Slag someone off: To bitch someone out, criticize

If your significant other is always slagging you off, they’re not worth your time.

Pee Pants GIF from Peepants GIFs

Go for a slash, have a slash: To take a piss

Not sure what the connection to slashing is, but this is a colorful phrase Duke and I have adopted.

Snog: To kiss

Keep in mind that snogging isn’t shagging. The definitions I found online add an element of cuddling to this verb.

Tosser: Idiot

This is literally a guy who masturbates. Not sure why that got equated with a general insult.

Trainers: Tennis shoes, sneakers

The British word probably makes more sense than ours. I mean, how many people actually play tennis or sneak around in their gym shoes?

Trolleyed: Wasted, very drunk

We have these trolleys in Chicago that you can rent for the night and get drunk on. Though somehow I don’t think that’s the origin of this word.

Twee: Too stinkin’ cute

Listen to She & Him or go to Anthropologie to experience this word in action. I like to mix American slang with British to say something is totes twee.

Wanker: Jerk, dick, asshole

Again, like tosser, this is someone who jerks off. And again, why is that an insult? I mean, let he who is without sin cast the first stone, etc., etc. –Wally

Wankers GIF from Queen GIFs

The Monsters of "Supernatural," Season 2, Episodes 7-9

What is a banshee? How can you make a deal with the Devil like Robert Johnson? Hellhounds (black dogs), Roanoke, goofer dust and death omens all get covered in this roundup.

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An illustration from The English Dance of Death, drawn by William Combe. I’d say a skeleton lounging in front of your fireplace is a pretty strong death omen

S2E7: “The Usual Suspects”

Monster: Death omen

Where it’s from: All over the world

Description: This particular figure is pale, with dark red eyes and a slit throat. In his typically eloquent fashion, Dean describes the death omen as “Casper the Bloodthirsty Ghost.”

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La Belle Dame Sans Merci, or The Banshee by Henry Meynell Rheam, 1901

In Irish folklore, a banshee is a female spirit, and when people hear her horrific wail (one tradition holds that it can actually break glass), they know someone will soon die.

What it does: Like the banshee, death omens foretell that someone will perish in the near future.

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I love black cats…but some cultures believe them to be harbingers of death — especially if one meows at midnight

Death Omens

In this episode, the printer keeps repeating the name Dana Schulps. That’s creepy, but here’s a shortened list of some famous death omens, according to Superstition Dictionary:

• A black cat meowing at midnight

• Bees swarming a rotten tree (there will be a death in the family owning or living on the property within a year)

• A bird entering the bedroom of a sick person and landing on the bedpost

• A pigeon flying against the window

• A sparrow attacking another swallow and throwing it from its nest near a home (a son will be born and a daughter will die)

• An owl hooting in a tree right above your head (a relative or friend of yours will die within a year)

• A dog persistently howling under your window

• A mouse running over your foot

• A white rabbit crossing your path

• A cow giving birth to twin calves

• A cedar tree you have planted dying in your yard

• A peach tree blooming early

• A clock striking 13

• A portrait falling off the wall

• A rainbow over a house (sounds more gay than scary, to be honest)

• Seeing your shadow without a head on New Year’s Eve

How to defeat it: At first the boys think this is a vengeful spirit. In true Winchester Brothers fashion, Sam says, “We have to salt and burn her bones. It’s the only way to put her spirit to rest.” To which guest star Linda Blair, famous for her head-turning performance in The Exorcist, replies, “Of course it is.”

Thing is, why would a vengeful spirit lead Blair to her remains? Turns out it’s not a vengeful spirit after all. As a death omen, she wants to warn people, and she’s finally at rest once the murderer is killed.

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You certainly don’t want to be a victim of a hellhound attack

S2E8: “Crossroad Blues”

Monster: Black dog or hellhound

Where it’s from: England and Scotland

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The Black Dog of Newgate has haunted the prison for 400 years, appearing before executions

Description: They’re larger than your average pooch and are covered in shaggy black fur, though some reports say they can have white, spotted or brown fur as well. Glowing red eyes, long fangs and saliva reeking of sulfur complete the look.

Sam describes them as “demonic pitbulls.”

“I bet they could hump the crap out of your leg,” Dean adds

What it does: Hellhounds collect souls that are due in payment for deals made with the Devil. One man wanted to be an overnight musical success. This calls to mind Robert Johnson, who is said to have made just such a deal. He supposedly came across Satan at a crossroads and offered to sell his soul in return for becoming an amazing bluesman. He went on to write and perform some popular songs, including “Cross Roads Blues,” “Me and the Devil Blues” and “Hellhound on My Trail.” But he died mysteriously, choking on his own blood, at age 27 (like Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin and others) in 1938.

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The blues musician Robert Johnson is one of the most famous people (Faust aside) to sell his soul to the Devil

With another person they’re investigating, Dean wants to know why the man made a pact with a demon: “What’d you ask for anyway, Evan? Never need Viagra? Bowl a perfect game?”

“My wife,’ Evan says.

“Gettin’ the girl,” Dean nods. “Well, that’s worth a trip to Hell for."

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You can supposedly get your heart’s desire if you make a pact with the Devil — but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

If you’d like to make a deal with the Devil (and we really can’t recommend doing so), here’s how to do so.

Plant yarrow flowers in the corners of a crossroads to summon the Big Guy.

Get a tin box and fill with the bones of a black cat, graveyard dirt and a picture of yourself.

“That’s Deep South hoodoo stuff,” Dean says.

How to defeat it: Sam and Dean think one of the people they visit has grabbed the wrong shaker (those boys are completely obsessed with salt). But the man made no mistake. He’s keeping away demons with another hoodoo trick: goofer dust.

“Be warned that the goofer dust will affect anyone who steps onto it. Victims will develop a chronic illness that may result in death.”

Goofer Dust Recipe

• Sulfur

• Salt

• Skin or head of a venomous snake, dried and ground

• Black pepper

• Graveyard dirt

Optional ingredients:

• Red pepper

• Ground bones

• Ground insects

• Sage

• Mullein

• Anvil dust

Here’s another version:

• Graveyard dirt

• Black salt

• Ground sulfur

• Snake skin

• Magnetic sand

Optional ingredients:

• Dried pigeon feces

• Ground insects

• Powdered bones

• Black pepper

Sounds like there’s some leeway with the recipe. Mix what ingredients you can find together. But be sure not to touch the powder after you’ve made it.

Sprinkle it in a place where you know your target will definitely walk onto it. Be warned that the goofer dust will affect anyone who steps onto it. Victims will develop a chronic illness that may result in death.

If you regret having made a satanic pact, use a Devil’s Trap to ensnare the demon or devil and strike a deal by threatening to exorcise it.

S2E9: “Croatoan”

Monster: Demonic virus

Where it’s from: the United States

Description: There’s a telltale sulfuric residue in the virus.

What it does: Those infected turn murderous. They’re also fond of spreading the love: The virus is passed by by blood to blood contact. The infected like to cut themselves and then slice open their victim so they can drip blood into the wound.

The boys find a reference to the Lost Colony of Roanoke (it was also a theme in American Horror Story: Roanoke). The colony was founded by Sir Walter Raleigh in 1585 in what is now North Carolina. Five years later, all 115 or so settlers had vanished mysteriously — the only clue being the word “Croatoan” carved into a fencepost. The Croatoan were an Indian tribe, though Daddy Winchester had a theory that it’s the name of a demon also known as Deva, or Resheph, associated with pestilence.

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That’s Resheph off to the right, the personification of plague. He’s hanging out with his friends Min (the fertility god with the big boner) and Qetesh (the goddess of fertility and sexual ecstacy)

How to defeat it: You’ve got to kill those infected. Guns work. And Molotov cocktails would do the trick, too, one imagines, as the Winchester boys were planning.

It also helps to be immune, like Sam. –Wally

“I bet they could hump the crap out of your leg.”

— Dean Winchester

The Monsters of “Supernatural,” Season 2, Episodes 1-3

In which we’re visited by the Grim Reaper, the original vampire baddie Vlad the Impaler and the Hindu shapeshifter rakshasa. Plus, we play with a Ouija board and learn how to make Abramelin Oil.

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What’s a Halloween party without a Ouija board? It’s the best time to talk with the dead

We had a phase in college when we’d whip out the Ouija board and try to talk to the spirits we were sure roamed our dorm. A group of my friends was sitting around the board when I walked in one night. Nothing was happening.

I took a seat — and suddenly the planchette started darting around, spelling out a story of a young girl who had drowned.

“Vlad is said to have invited a large group to dinner, had them stabbed and then impaled their still-twitching bodies.”

Of course everyone thought I was nudging it along, so they had me sit the next round out. The planchette didn’t budge.

“See?” one of them said. “He was totally pushing it.”

“I’ll tell you what,” I replied. “I’ll go back in, but I won’t touch it.” And I left my fingers hovering an inch or so above the planchette. It started darting around again. Everyone freaked out — and my connection to the spiritual realm was undisputed.
 

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A reaper reveals itself

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S2E1: “In My Time of Dying”

Monster: Reaper

Where it’s from: All over the world

Description: The reapers of Supernatural can alter perceptions. So this one appears to Dean as a pretty girl since he didn’t like her natural (spectral, freakyass) form.
Typically, the Grim Reaper is depicted as a skeleton wearing a black hooded robe, often carrying a scythe.

We covered reapers in a previous Supernatural roundup.

The ep also mentions fetches. These creatures from English and Irish folklore look just like you, but the time you see them makes all the difference. If you see your double in the morning, good news! You’re going to have a nice long life. See a fetch at night, and you’re soon to be a goner.

Queen Elizabeth I of England was shocked to find a corpse lying on her bed. Upon closer inspection, she saw that the body was identical to her own. She died shortly thereafter.

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Queen Elizabeth saw a fetch lying on her bed — and she died not long after

What it does: What do you think the personification of death does? It kills you, duh.

If you’d like to communicate with someone who’s died, do like Sam and break out the Ouija board (oh, I’m sorry, I mean the Mystical Talking Board).

Norman Rockwell painted a scene of a couple using a Ouija board for a cover of The Saturday Evening Post

The Ouija board debuted in 1891, and for $1.50 you could have the opportunity to answer questions “about the past, present and future with marvelous accuracy,” according to an ad at the time.

Victorians were obsessed with spiritualism and occultism.

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Victorians were kind of obsessed with spiritualism and trying to speak with the dead

“Communicating with the dead was common — it wasn’t seen as bizarre or weird,” explains Robert Murch, who has researched the history of Ouija boards.

How to defeat it: You can’t kill death, silly.

The fellas mention a couple of items they learn are used to summon a demon. Oil of Abramelin is on the list. It’s a hoodoo formula named for its inclusion in a medieval grimoire called The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage, written by a man with the unfortunate appellation Abraham of Worms. He was a 15th century Jewish Kabbalist who adapted from the Jewish Holy Oil of the Tanakh. Moses whipped up a batch in the Bible’s Book of Exodus.

Abramelin the Mage. I’m sure he’s slathered in his namesake oil

Old Wormy said that the oil is a part of rituals that involve “the gifts of flight, treasure-finding and invisibility, as well as the power to cast effective love spells.”

The sex-crazed ceremonial magician Aleister Crowley believed Abramelin Oil “consecrates everything that is touched with it.”

There’s a lot of talk about variations on the recipe, some of which resulted from a French dude’s mistranslation. Here’s one that seems legit (and not overly archaic).

Abramelin Oil

• 4 parts cinnamon bark quills, reduced to powder

• 2 parts myrrh resin, finely ground

• 1 part calamus chopped root, reduced to powder

• half of the foregoing total weight olive oil

The mixture is macerated for one month, then decanted and bottled for use, producing a fragrant oil suitable for anointing the body. It may be applied liberally, after the manner of traditional Jewish holy oils, such as the one that was poured on Aaron’s head until it ran down his beard. 

Daddy Winchester also wanted acacia. And though he had lied about the reason he wanted those ingredients, acacia is more likely to be used for protection than for summoning a demon. The bush has become a symbol of renewal, strength and purity, as well as immortality due to its evergreen nature, according to Building Beautiful Souls. It was common in Hebrew tradition to plant an acacia at the head of a person’s grave. The instructions for Noah’s Ark were written on acacia wood. And in Tibet, acacia incense wards off evil spirits.

The only way you could really beat death is to make a swap — a life for a life. John sacrifices himself to get the reaper off Dean’s back.

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The Hindu demon rakshasha is known for tearing people apart

S2E2: “Everybody Loves a Clown”

Monster: Rakshasa, a Hindu monster

Where it’s from: India

Description: These demons can shapeshift into any animal or monster they wish. Sculptors were told to carve them with a “terrifying appearance, complete with fearful side tusks, ugly eyes, curling awkward brows, and carrying a variety of horrible weapons.”

In the Hindu epic, the Ramayana, Hanuman, the monkey god, enters a town full of rakshasas:

“Some of them disgusted the eye, while some were beautiful to look upon. Some had long arms and frightful shapes; some were very fat and some were very lean; some were mere dwarfs and some were prodigiously tall. Some had only one eye and others only one ear. Some had monstrous bellies, hanging breasts, long projecting teeth and crooked thighs; whilst others were exceedingly beautiful to behold and clothed in great splendour. Some had two legs, some three legs, and some four legs. Some had the heads of serpents, some the heads of donkeys, some the heads of horses and some the heads of elephants.”

What it does: Well, they devour people. And sleep on beds full of insects.

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Ravana, the 10-headed King of Rakshasas kidnapped the lovely Sita in the Hindu epic the Ramayana

Rakshasas are ruled by their 10-headed king, Ravana, arguably the main villain in the Ramayana. “He was possibly a wonderful leader,” writes Vampires.com. “He was also a murdering rapist who ate people.”

Ravana makes an appearance shaking a mountain on a carving in a temple in the Angkor complex in Cambodia.

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We probably don’t even want to know what this rakshasa is up to

“Rakshasas are notorious for disturbing sacrifices, desecrating graves, harassing priests, possessing human beings and so on,” according to the New World Encyclopedia.

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Rakshasas can shapeshift, enjoy devouring people and always fade away at the start of a new day

How to defeat it: A rakshasa’s power grows in the evening, and they’re at their strongest during the dark of a new moon. But they disappear with the rising of the sun.

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The rakshasa page from the AD&D Monster Manual

On the show, they must be invited in, like some vampire legends.

The Brothers Winchester kill the rakshasa with a dagger made of pure brass.

If you play D&D, here are the stats for a rakshasa. Not only can you fight them, you play a rakshasa character!

They don’t give out medals for dungeon masters extraordinaire…but if they did, my friend Mike would receive one. I asked him what he thought about rakshasas in the world of Dungeons & Dragons.

“Rakshasas are one of my fave monsters!” he said. “They focus on stealth and deception, they possess both powerful magical abilities and immunities, and they can more than hold their own in physical combat. If you’re looking for a big bad for a story arc, rakshasas are the perfect masterminds.”

Wally has always secretly wanted to be a vampire

S2E3: “Bloodlust”

Monster: Vampire

Description: You all know what vampires look like. For more background, we first covered vampires on Supernatural in this post.

What it does: Here’s where we get into moral ambiguity: What exactly makes something a monster? Are vampires inherently evil? What about the ones in this brood who don’t hurt humans but instead drink cow blood? (Does it matter that they do so mostly so there aren’t missing people that will lead hunters to them?) Discuss amongst yourselves.

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Vlad Tepes, a Romanian prince from the 1400s, became the infamous Dracula

As for our modern vampire folklore, many trace it back to the man who became Dracula: Vlad III, known as Dracul (Drăculea in old Romanian). He also earned the name Vlad Tepes (which translates to “the Impaler”). That gives you an idea of his favorite hobby.

Born in 1431, Vlad was the prince of Wallachia in what is now Romania. He might not have been the monster we’ve all been taught to believe.

“His preferred method of execution, impalement, wasn’t just a sadistic way to get rid of his opponents; it was also a good way to scare them away,” Florin Curta, a professor of medieval history at the University of Florida, told Live Science.

Vlad the Impaler is said to have enjoyed dining amidst his eccentric décor (bodies impaled upon stakes)

His habit of impaling Ottoman invaders was a form of psychological warfare used to level the playing field with an army much larger than his own. It doesn’t quite explain why he used that horrific means of death on Saxon merchants and local nobles he feared would question his authority. (He’s said to have invited a large group to dinner, had them stabbed and then impaled their still-twitching bodies.)

Some say his cruelty went even further. “He would impale women for nothing, his reason being they weren’t working hard enough. Some say he took sexual pleasure from this. He even impaled the children and the elderly because to him, they were useless,” according to The Good, the Bad and the Monstrous.

Apparently, it wasn’t the only way Dracula punished his enemies, according to the website Vlad the Impaler. He also was fond of “cutting of limbs, blinding, strangulation, burning, cutting off noses and ears, mutilation of sexual organs, scalping, skinning, exposure to the elements or to wild animals and boiling alive.”

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Are vampires inherently evil? Would you slay one if it only dined on animal blood?

There’s evidence that Vlad would insert the spike through his victims’ rectums and angle it to avoid hitting the vital organs so the person would live as long as possible.

One of the myths surrounding Dracula is that he drank the blood of his enemies. Turns out the original source, a German poem, actually says he really just liked to wash his hands in the blood of his enemies before he ate dinner. Bon appétit!

How to defeat it: If you’re in danger, cut its friggin’ head off. –Wally

“He was possibly a wonderful leader.
He was also a murdering rapist who ate people.”

The Strange History of Valentine’s Day

From Lupercalia, where young men whipped eager women in the streets of ancient Rome, to St. Valentine’s secret weddings.

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Valentine's Day wasn't always about cupids and hearts — or even love.

Valentine’s Day is much more than just conversation hearts, boxes of chocolates, flowers and cards. There are some downright outlandish origins to this holiday.

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After the flagellation ceremony, men would draw women’s names from an urn — and that would be their sexual partner for the year.

Valentine’s Day dates back to a couple of Roman festivals.

The Romans celebrated two ritual festivals that formed the foundation for the holiday we know as Valentine’s Day. Februalia was a purification rite, which occurred on February 14 and gave the month of February its name. It was later combined with Lupercalia, which took place on February 15.

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Valentine’s Day as we know it began with an unusual Roman fertility rite.

“The crazed men, nude save for a goatskin loincloth, would take the hides of slain animals cut into strips and flagellate the women of the village in hopes of bestowing fertility.”

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This someecard points out just how strange Lupercalia was.

Lupercalia involved some bizarre practices, including beating women with animal pelts.

For this affair, young Roman men would congregate in the Lupercal, the sacred cave in the mountains where Romulus and Remus, the twins who suckled the she-wolf Lupa, were supposedly reared. Romulus would later found Rome and sacrifice Remus, but that’s another story.

The Luperci, the Brotherhood of the Wolf, would sacrifice a dog for purity and a goat for fertility.

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Ancient Romans believed being whipped by blood-soaked animal skins would help you get knocked up.

The crazed men, nude save for a goatskin loincloth, would take the hides of the slain animals that had been cut into strips and flagellate the women of the village in hopes of bestowing fertility.

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Saint Valentine has become the patron saint of love.

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Valentine was also the patron saint of epileptics.

Saint Valentine performed secret marriages when the institution was outlawed.

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In this painting by David Teniers III, Valentine receives a rosary from the Virgin Mary.

During the 3rd century CE, Roman Emperor Claudius II, wanting to increase the size and strength of his military empire, saw marriage as an obstacle. He believed that men were unwilling to fight due to their strong attachment to their wives and families. In an effort to circumvent this, he forbade all future marriages and engagements.

Whether Valentine was a bishop or priest has been lost to history, but he began performing clandestine ceremonies. He was soon discovered and imprisoned for his betrayal.

His legend is associated with having sent a note to his jailer’s daughter on the eve of his execution, signed, “From Your Valentine.” No historical evidence exists to back the authenticity of this story, though.

Valentine was beheaded, died a martyr and in death was elevated to the patron saint of love.

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The skull of Saint Valentine resides in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin in Rome, Italy.

Pope Gelasius I used an ingenious sleight of hand, merging the pagan Lupercalia with the feast of Saint Valentine into a single holiday celebrated on February 14.

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The Cadbury boys found a way to extract a delicious byproduct of cocoa — what we know know and love as chocolate.

Cadbury created the first chocolate candies — and the first heart-shaped box of chocolates.

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One of the first heart-shaped box of chocolates

In 1824, John Cadbury, an English proprietor and founder of the Cadbury candy empire, opened a tea and coffee shop in Bournville, Birmingham, England. His shop also sold drinking chocolate, which he prepared using a mortar and pestle. This was a luxury item even among the upper class. The resulting beverage was coarse and grainy but popular.

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A vintage ad for Cadbury chocolate

Cadbury’s sons Richard and George visited the Van Houten factory in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, which specialized in the manufacture of cocoa powder. The brothers integrated this method into their manufacturing facility. The process allowed them to extract pure cocoa butter from pressing cocoa beans and adding sugar, reducing its bitter taste. Cadbury used this byproduct to produce several varieties of “eating chocolates.”

The retail division of the business was passed on to Richard in 1861, who recognized a great marketing opportunity and revolutionized sales by packaging Cadbury chocolates in the world’s first heart-shaped box for Valentine’s Day. The box could be kept and used to store mementos after the chocolates had been eaten.

Victorians began the tradition of sending valentines — some of which were downright cruel.

Do you remember making a mailbox to hold your cards and exchanging valentines with your classmates in elementary school, or perhaps receiving a pink or red carnation in high school? I did accrue a fair amount of cards through my formative years, though I do remember wishing I would get a carnation from a secret admirer.

Valentines pre-date Hallmark and were the preferred token to celebrate romantic love by the prudish 19th century Victorians in England. The first mass-market cards were introduced then, and the penny post made it possible to send them easily and inexpensively.

Plus, you could send notes anonymously, something the Victorians prized. This allowed them not only to exchange serious or humorous cards but downright mean-spirited ones as well, aptly called vinegar valentines.

“Senders would use the anonymity of the card to comment on the inappropriate behavior of a couple or the distasteful political views of a feminist friend,” Slate writes. “Women seemed to be the targets of many of the surviving examples, but balding men, pretentious artists and poets, and smelly fat guys made appearances as well.”

So the next time you send a valentine to a loved one, think about how whipped women, a beheaded saint and mean, anonymous cards are all part of this holiday. –Duke

More Takes on What the World Thinks About a Trump Presidency

Is there any country that’s pleased with the results of the 2016 U.S. presidential election? (Besides Russia, that is.)

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Donald Trump is pumped he won the U.S. presidential election. But how does the rest of the world feel?

Americans are perhaps more divided than we’ve ever been since the Civil War. Donald Trump won the electoral college and therefore the presidency — despite the fact that more people actually voted for Hillary Clinton.

But what does the rest of the world think about President-elect Trump? I reached out to friends who live abroad or who have family in foreign countries. Read Part 1 of their responses here.

The reactions kept coming in. Here’s Part 2. –Wally

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Donovan and Kate, Americans living in Qatar

Regarding the local view of That Horrible Thing That Happened:

The initial reaction in Qatar was probably the same as everywhere else: shock. Everyone here went to bed Tuesday night (Doha time) assuming to wake up to a Hillary presidency, and then…that.

Georgetown University Qatar had an Election Morning celebration, featuring the U.S. ambassador and all kinds of red, white and blue décor. She stayed long enough to realize that Trump would win, and the embassy released a tight-lipped statement saying that they would serve the next president as expected; you could hear the tears in the press release.

Several of the universities here had emergency community meetings to address student fears; these are, after all, schools rooted in the U.S. with students here who have been told they won’t be allowed to travel to the U.S.

From an expat perspective, the kind of person who would live in Qatar is not the kind of person who believes the Trump view of the world, and especially the Muslim world, so the last week has been essentially a funeral out here. All we’ve tried to do is ensure that all our coworkers, friends, etc., understand that we’re on their side, and that tens of millions of Americans are, too.

We’ll wake up tomorrow to the call to prayer, and as is tradition, Donovan will have his morning beer in his underwear while hundreds of Muslims pray beneath us. Is that not the ideal we should strive for?

RELATED: The Best and Worst Parts of Living in Qatar

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Alan from Spain

Showman: That’s the first idea that comes to me when I hear Donald Trump’s name. Probably because I have seen him and his family since I was a kid on E! television or because the first image that comes to my mind is Trump firing people on a TV show where he was “the boss.” He was not nice from what I remember — he is not nice from what he had said on his political campaign.

His campaign was one of the biggest broadcasted shows ever. People that have followed it have been a total part of it: lovers and haters, critics and passionate homophobic-racist-misogynists.

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Half of the United States supports Trump, while the other half hates what he stands for

In Spain, we have this kind of political behavior and media. It starts being like soccer or football…Red vs. Blue, yelling at each other without listening a word. Passionate hooligans.

For some of us, the idea of a “politician” like Trump seems like a joke. But it makes sense when you realize that there are governments that are not supporting education. Education is the base of the society, and when you segregate people for their origin since they were born, cut the spending for public schools and teachers, and don’t allow people to have real opportunities to grow, there will be a Donald Trump yelling in representation of “everyone else.”

People in the USA seem to be mad. But without asking questions or trying to figure out what is happening with their system, they blame the disadvantaged — those who are trying to survive in a society that exploits their work and undervalues their skills.

Maybe things will change, when in some circles they start realizing that having a black-skinned president does not make your country less racist.

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Heather from England

Basically we have had the same response as the level-headed Americans. It’s a worry for us. But we are still reeling from our own stupid decision about Brexit back in June.

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This meme circulated after the U.S. election of Donald Trump and draws a connection between the racism/isolationism/nationalism of the alt-right and Brexit voters.

On the plus side, there have been some lovely shots of the new first lady in a furry bikini on the front pages of the tabloids!

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Lynn from Guam

I think Guam’s polls were 75% for Clinton. So most people on Guam favored her over Trump.

The doctor I worked with followed the campaign closely and was in favor of Trump: a businessman who made some bad business decisions, while Clinton was an unethical person who damaged computer systems after a subpoena was served.

There are no protests on Guam at this time against Trump as president of the USA. Our governor is full of support for him and hopes to have a valuable presence with him.

The same doctor says, no they won’t impeach him because he is making fast adjustments (i.e., not eliminating the Affordable Care Act but using parts of it.)

There is a movement that says that the USA is not concerned about the island. We are brown-skinned people who would not weigh in with Trump.

I have not heard about predictions for the next four years. In my mind is great uncertainty: fear of global war, human suffering, lack of food and huge immigration.

Perhaps I should focus on hope, joy, harmony and peace that is here and now. I am not in Syria or Africa and we live a very good life because of Uncle Sam.

Humanity is global, so I can only pray for all people to have the quality of life that I am able to enjoy.

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Ivo, a Bulgarian living in the United States

In Bulgaria we are mostly for the Democrats, for Hillary.

We have a prime minister, Boyko Borissov, who reminds me of Trump. He is very frank and authoritative. He was actually the bodyguard of the old communist president who ruled for 45 or so years.

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Angie, an American living in China

It is hard to give a good answer to what people think about Trump, as I think you are asking about how locals, meaning a typical Chinese person, feels about the elections, and I don’t think they know/care much. My ayi (housekeeper) hasn’t said anything about it.

The day of the elections at school were interesting, however, but I don’t think representative. The students were obsessed with the elections, and it was hard to get anything else done that day. They seemed to be legitimately surprised at the outcomes, as were the teachers here. I am still at a loss as to how this happened. 

I don’t know any teachers here that were pro-Trump, but there may have been some in hiding. The students we teach are from families who chose to send their kids to a liberal school and have plans to send their kids out of the country for university. These kids have been taught by us teachers, so not surprising they were surprised at the outcome, too. For them it seems like a question of discrimination. One student, a Chinese girl in 10th grade, was worrying about where she was going to go to college now. Some of my 12th graders have voiced concerns about going to the U.S. next year for university. In all honesty, I don’t know if I will be keen to send my daughter Fatima to the U.S. in three years for school.

This election puts China in a position to potentially rule the South China Sea. Some policies are starting to be put in place to limit foreigners and Western education here, so we will see how that goes.

RELATED: The Truth About Living in China

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BONUS! Nicolás, an editor from Spain, presented us with his take. Trouble is, neither Duke nor I speak Spanish fluently. That being said, we can get the gist, and he seems to put quite a bit of blame on Hillary and her supporters for the rise of Trump.

Tal vez, no hayan entendido nada: Hillary, todas esas Hillary políticamente correctas de “izquierda,” les han arruinado literalmente la vida a esa gente (principalmente del interior, pobre, blanco y aislado), liberalizando la economía al extremo y entregándoles a las corporaciones todo lo que han pedido.

Esa gente, ahora trabaja en Walmart de mierda con horarios infinitos, sin derechos y están envenenados de comer basura porque no pueden permitirse alimentarse a base de otra cosa, gracias a que políticos como Hillary subvencionan la industria alimenticia tecnificada en detrimento de industrias rurales.

El americano rural y clase media está desapareciendo.

Los Hillary (su marido, sin ir más lejos), han quitado todo tipo de regulaciones sobre el mercado de valores (Ley Glass-Steagall) que finalmente ha creado una burbuja para tragarlo todo y quedarse con las casas de quienes no han podido pagar sus hipotecas infladas. Han sido los Hillary quienes han contribuido, como nadie, a la deslocalización de empresas que afectan, sobre todo, a la clase media de ciudades del interior. Han sido los Hillary, de Estados Unidos y el mundo, quienes siguen pariendo monstruos por el hartazgo y la traición que ellos mismos representan...

Fue Hillary, por cierto, quien con su aparato Demócrata amañado frenó las aspiraciones de Bernie Sanders, el único que podía parar este desastre.

Ahora díganme: ¿Qué parte del triunfo de Trump no entienden?

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