The Monsters of “Supernatural,” Season 1, Episodes 7-9

What’s a poltergeist, what are the urban legends about the Hook Man, and how do you break Indian curses?

Get away from the TV, Carol Anne! The poltergeist is gonna get you!

The movie Poltergeist scared (and scarred) countless kids of my generation. The image of doomed little Carol Anne putting her hands on the static-buzzing TV and creepily uttering, “They’re heeeeerrrre” is ingrained in our brains. It cemented our fear of clowns. And we’ll never forgive that strange little lady falsely proclaiming, “The house is clean.”

My family saw the movie on vacation at our time share on Lake Chelan, Washington. At the time, I had a stuffed monkey that I hid in the downstairs closet ’cause I was sure he’d try to strangle me with his tail while I slept.

The Hook Man acts as a sort of morality police, punishing (and killing) young couples who naughtily engage in sex.

Now a new generation has made acquaintance with a poltergeist in the form of Peeves, the ghostly prankster roaming Hogwarts Castle in the Harry Potter novels. Peeves has his dark side, though he’s more mischievous than menacing.

 

S1E7: “HOOK MAN”

The killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer plays upon our collective fear of the Hook Man

Monster: The Hook Man of urban legend

Where it’s from: The United States

Description: A teenage couple pulls into a lover’s lane and starts to make out. But upon hearing an announcer on the radio warning that a convicted murderer with a hook for a hand has escaped the local insane asylum, the girl insists on leaving. The boy keeps trying to score, but the girl rebuffs his advances. Frustrated, the boy guns the engine and drives her home in a huff. As the girl gets out of the car, she starts screaming. The boy runs over and sees what she’s freaking out about: Hanging from the car door is a bloody hook.

What it does: The Hook Man acts as a sort of morality police, punishing (and killing) young couples who naughtily engage in sex.

How to defeat it: There’s a powerful spirit deterrent you’ve already got in your kitchen cabinet: salt. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, salt was used to consecrate items and to seal covenants. Buddhists believe salt repels evil spirits. Even sumo wrestlers cleanse their matches by throwing a handful of salt into the center of the ring — a Shinto practice.


S1E8: “Bugs”

Is this a natural swarm of insects — or the result of a Native American curse?

Monster: Murderous insects

Where it’s from: The United States

Description: The bugs are driven to kill because of a Native American curse upon the land, proclaiming that nature will rise up against the white man. There are numerous places around the country that are said to suffer Indian curses.

It’s never a good idea to build your home on Indian burial grounds

What it does: Native American tribes didn’t tend to be very fond of insects, seeing them as swarming, biting and crop-destroying harbingers of disease, black magic and bad luck. So it’s not surprising that in this case, bugs burrow into a construction worker’s brain and spiders bite a realtor to death.

How to defeat it: Dean and Sam don’t break the curse; they just survive the plague of insects. But a helpful fellow on Facebook recommends the following prayer to cleanse the land from curses:

“Father, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, through the power of His shed blood, by that name and by that authority, I remit the sins that have been committed here as many generations back as needs be: to the very first thoughts, words, deeds or gestures.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I break the covenant of death. I command that it be finished from this time forth: no more death, no more rape and no more murder in this place.

We dedicate this land back to the Lord Jesus Christ, that every person entering this place from this time forth to do any kind of oath, covenant, curse, fetish or agreement with the unfruitful works of darkness will come face-to-face with the power of the shed blood, and they will have no alternative but to fall down and repent of their wickedness, or they will turn and flee from here, never to return to come back again for this purpose, in Jesus’ name.”

Let us know how it works out!

 

S1E9: “Home”

Looks like this woman has a serious poltergeist on her hands

Monster: Poltergeist

Where it’s from: While its name is derived from the German for “knocking spirit” (often translated as “noisy ghost”), poltergeists can be found all over the world.

Description: They’re incorporeal and cannot be seen. They’re not considered spirits but rather psychic manifestations brought about by anxiety or stress.

What it does: Poltergeist activity can start out with strange odors, electrical disturbances or objects moving by themselves but often escalates to more violent physical attacks upon those in the home (a coffee pot might fly at your head, for instance).

How to defeat it: Try this:

 

House Purification Ritual

Make a mixture of:

  • Angelica root (a member of the parsley family used as protection from evil spirits and to break hexes)

  • Van Van oil (a lemongrass-based hoodoo formula popular in New Orleans to drive away evil and provide protection)

  • Crossroads dirt

Put this mixture in the north, south, east and west corners of the home on every floor — and the house should be clean.

 

But be warned: That’s what the psychic in Poltergeist promised, too. –Wally

How St. Nicholas Became Santa Claus

The surprising origins of Jolly Old St. Nick include a tie to prostitution, kids chopped into pieces, a devil named Krampus and a racist tradition around his helper Zwarte Pieter, or Black Peter.

Our beloved Santa Claus started out as a bishop from Asia Minor named Nikolaos

Growing up, I can vividly remember nearly peeing my pants when I was 6 years old. It was early Christmas morning and I was afraid that if I left my room I would startle Santa and he wouldn't leave me any gifts. The willpower of a child is strong, but the pull of a tree with gifts beneath it stronger.

Fast forward to the sad rite of passage in learning that this being you believed in was a lie. Maybe you discovered your parents’ hiding place for gifts (my dad’s office) before they put them under the tree, or perhaps a friend told you.

A butcher welcomed three children into his shop, slayed them and unceremoniously tossed them into a tub of brine to cure, with the intent to sell their flesh as ham.

What most of us don’t know is that the inspiration for Santa Claus came from a real man whose historic generosity would become a legacy for the ages.

 

11 Little-Known Facts About St. Nick

A children’s book about Sinterklaas, the bishop who became Santa Claus

1. He didn’t live at the North Pole.

Far from his home and workshop at the top of the world, in the south of present-day Turkey, lived a 4th century bishop whose full name was Nikolaos of Myra, a city now known as Demre. An ancient Byzantine church dedicated to St. Nicholas and containing his tomb still stands in Demre. Legend holds that it was built on the foundation of a Lycian Temple of Apollo.

St. Nicholas came into money at a young age, and was always very generous with it

2. Saint Nicholas was born into a wealthy family — and had a penchant for charity.

Born a rich man’s son, Nikolaos donated his inheritance to the poor by giving them gifts, which he’d toss through open windows. Details changed as the story was retold with later iterations of him having tossed them down chimneys — the vehicle for Santa Claus to enter homes.

 

3. The tradition of putting out stockings was to protect young maidens from being sold into sex-slavery.

Many stories are told of his generosity, such as the tale of the father and his three daughters. To save the maidens from being sold into prostitution for want of dowries, Nikolaos tossed a bag full of gold into the man’s house. It landed in one of the stockings the eldest daughter had hung up to dry. Now she could be married and was spared from selling her body to survive. The other two daughters quickly hung up stockings for Nikolaos to fill with gold, so that they, too, could be married.

Note the bags of gold, which saved three young women from a life of prostitution, in this depiction of a young, hot St. Nick

(As an interesting aside, the three golden globes that have come to symbolize a pawn shop are attributed to these three purses of gold.)

Yeah, it’s kind of creepy that Saint Nicholas comes while kids are sleeping — but, hey, they get some toys out of it

4. Stockings shifted to shoes after Nicholas’ death.

The Feast Day for Saint Nicholas is celebrated annually on December 6, the anniversary of his death. This led to the custom of children hanging stockings or, later, placing their shoes out with carrots and hay for the saint’s horse, hoping that Saint Nicholas would fill them with fruit, candy and other small gifts.

 

5. Early iconography depicts him as a white-haired bishop atop a horse.

Known as Sinterklaas in the Netherlands, he is a stately and resolute man with long white hair and a full beard. He wears a lengthy red cape over a traditional white bishop’s alb, or tunic, holds a long ceremonial shepherd’s staff with a fancy curled top and rides a majestic white horse.

Saint Nicholas resurrected three kids who had been chopped into pieces by a butcher and left in a salted tub to be passed off as cured ham

6. A not-so-pretty ditty tells of the murder of children and Saint Nicholas’ role in their resurrection.

A 16th century French song titled “Le Légende de Saint Nicholas” recounts the unfortunate and gruesome fate of three children.

The song, inspired by a miracle performed by Saint Nicholas tells of a butcher, who during a time of famine, welcomed three children into his shop, slayed them and unceremoniously tossed them into a tub of brine to cure, with the intent to sell their flesh as ham. Saint Nicholas, visiting the region to care for the hungry seven years later, not only saw through the butcher’s horrific crime but also miraculously resurrected the three boys.

If you’ve been good, St. Nicholas will bring you gifts. If you’ve been naughty, you’re screwed

7. He hangs out with a devil, so be good for goodness’ sake!

Saint Nicholas was occasionally portrayed in medieval iconography taming a chained devil, who would later become the cloven-hoofed half-goat, half-demon Krampus. Children who have behaved get gifts from Saint Nicholas. Those who have not suffer a terrible fate: They get beaten with a birch switch by Krampus and are packed away in his bag to be taken to Hell.

 

8. Saint Nicholas’ helper wasn’t an elf — it was a slave.

In Holland, Sinterklaas doesn’t have elves helping him deliver gifts. He has the arguably racist companion Zwarte Pieter (Black Peter).

To this day, parade participants don blackface, red lips, nappy wigs and colorful period attire.

Saint Nicholas’ helper is Black Peter, a controversial character that inspires people in the Netherlands to actually think it’s OK to wear blackface around the holidays. Illustration from a book by Rie Cramer

By Dutch tradition, Zwarte Piet was the servant of Sinterklaas — most likely a “blackamoor,” the name given to Africans who were captured and sold into slavery. The Dutch had the preeminent slave trade in Europe, and one of their roles was acquiring and transporting slaves to the Americas. Slave trade was abolished in the Netherlands in 1863, and while some locals perceive wearing blackface and dressing up like Black Peter as an innocuous tradition, others view the practice as a distasteful connection to the past.

Eventually Saint Nicholas morphed into Santa Claus

9. He morphed into Santa Claus in the U.S.

The Reformation attempted to erase the image of St. Nicholas, without success. The tradition was brought to New Amsterdam, the original name for New York, established at the southern tip of Manhattan island, via Dutch settlers as the beloved and saintly bishop Sinterklaas. After years of mispronunciation, the name evolved into Santa Claus.

St. Nick lost much of his bishop’s attire and began wearing red cloaks before he got his telltale suit

10. Washington Irving played a part in our conception of Santa as well.

In 1809, author Washington Irving’s satire History of New York From the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, he introduced the “Knickerbocker,” a New Yorker who could trace his ancestry to the original Dutch settlers. It was also a reference to the style of pants the settlers wore.

In its pages, Irving described Santa as a jolly Dutchman who smoked a long-stemmed clay pipe and wore baggy breeches and a broad-brimmed hat. The familiar phrase “laying his finger beside his nose” first appeared in this story.

Naughty Santa! I guess people started leaving out milk and cookies so he wouldn’t drink their Cokes and eat their leftovers, as seen in this vintage ad

11. Things really do go better with Coke.

In 1822, Clement C. Moore wrote a whimsical poem for his children, “A Visit From St. Nicholas,” which was published the following year and is more commonly known by its opening line “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

Coca-Cola commissioned artist Haddon Sundblom to create an image of a wholesome, realistic Santa Claus, which was inspired by Moore’s poem. His popular image of a pleasantly plump Santa debuted in 1931 and is the one that endures, setting the standard for renditions that followed. –Duke

20 Creepy Santa Pictures

These vintage pictures of Santa Claus will scare children and adults alike.

 

America has a long tradition of children being horrified to get plopped onto the lap of a fat stranger dressed in a garishly red outfit, his face covered in a white beard. But these vintage photos of Santas past take that horror to the next level.

When you see these Kris Kringles, visions of sugarplums won’t be dancing in your head — you’ll have terrible nightmares instead.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

That’s how the narrator of “A Visit From St. Nicholas,” better known as “The Night Before Christmas,” describes Santa in Clement Clarke Moore’s famous poem.



But when you see these Kris Kringles, visions of sugarplums won’t be dancing in your head — you’ll have terrible nightmares instead. –Wally



Hammam Spa Treatments

In which our correspondent bravely tests Turkish steam baths around the world to let you know exactly what to expect from a hammam and which are her favorites.

Turkish-style baths, or hammams, aren’t quite like this anymore

I was a bit nervous at first. Rebecca, one of the founders of the company I work for, called me into her office. As I took my seat, I saw a blurry photo of Rebecca with a massive smile on her face and asked where it was taken. Turns out it was on an African safari as she was jostled along in the back of an open vehicle. It was one of those exuberant moments you experience while traveling that bring you joy every time you recollect it.

Once I realized we shared a passion for travel, the conversation (and those that followed) came quickly and easily.

Except for my submission to heat, steam, merciless scrubbing and pelting cold showers, the world would never know where to obtain the cleanest, most open pores. In other words, it would be a smaller, grubbier place.

Having just returned from a trip to Morocco, Rebecca was kind enough to write up a couple of travel essays for us. The poor dear has suffered through numerous pamperings (and intense scrub-downs) on multiple continents to educate you on what exactly to expect from a hammam experience — and to tell you her favorites.  –Wally

 

Hammam Me

I have been to hammams in five countries. My patronage of sybaritic Turkish steam baths is not for my own enjoyment nor my need for yet more relaxation on a relaxing vacation. I once let a small, brown-skinned woman lash me with a sheaf of wet herbs while we squatted inside a pizza oven — and I paid her to do it.

I do this as a public service. Consider it my gift to humanity. Except for my submission to heat, steam, merciless scrubbing and pelting cold showers, the world would never know where to obtain the cleanest, most open pores. In other words, it would be a smaller, grubbier place.

A hammam, if you’ve never been in one, is a structure built of stone. Some are palatial — marble-lined rooms, floors, ceilings and walls — some are humble like the mud-brick pizza oven. There is a steamy heat source, maybe jets embedded in the ceiling, maybe water poured over hot bricks. You lie, naked (or with “disposable” underpants, which is as good as naked), on some stone surface which is itself warm, then hot. You close your eyes, at least in part to keep the sweat from running in them, and you wait. Maybe you doze.

Eventually, when your pores are at their most receptive, an attendant enters. (There are hammams that break the strictly unisex rule but they cater to tourists and are to be avoided just as you should avoid restaurants with pictures of the food instead of words on the menu.) The attendant has a loofah and sometimes a sponge. Attendants are large, with biceps like prizefighters and that same disapproving expression your mother had while bathing you after a tough day in the sand box. The small, brown-skinned woman was only the exception that proves the rule.

The attendant begins to scrub you with the loofah. It is a pitiless but thoroughly comforting experience. One human being performing an intimate personal service for another — again, bath time, mother and child, often with the requisite tsk-tsking.

The loofah may be followed by the sponge. Now you feel bathed rather than flayed. You skin begins to breathe again, to thank you for the detoxing.

Finally, the attendant rinses you, dipping a bowl into cooler and cooler water and pouring it over every inch of freshly excavated flesh.

That camel trek in the Atlas Mountains? A gritty puddle on the floor. That week of sunblock mixed with bug spray and safari dust? Circling the drain in a muddy swirl. All those dead skin cells unexfoliated in years of regular but admittedly perfunctory showers? Pilled up in a truly shameful way all over your body. All of it washed away, leaving nothing but new muffin tops from too much Turkish delight. You are as pink and soft as a newborn, appropriately swaddled in clean, dry towels.

Now comes the best part. The large woman hands you, somewhat literally, to another woman, smaller, lither, more nimble but with hands like a bricklayer’s, without the callouses. Let her knead your muscles but shake her hand at your peril. The massage lasts anywhere from an hour to 90 minutes, according to my research. At some point, she will have to manually turn you over when you have reached the energy level of cooked pasta.

The only possible post-hammam activity is a nap. Try to avoid sucking your thumb and curling into the fetal position.

All I have to say for this exhaustive, entirely altruistic research: You’re welcome.
 

Rebecca’s Hammam Superlatives

Most beautiful hammam: Istanbul, Turkey

Best towels: Cairo, Egypt (Egyptian cotton)

Best soap: Fès, Morocco (black eucalyptus)

Best scrub: Agadir, Morocco (stern Berber woman)

Best sponges: Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt (harvested just offshore)

Best aromatherapy: Oaxaca, Mexico (herbs from the garden)

Best massage: Oaxaca

Close second: Siem Reap, Cambodia (not strictly speaking a hammam, but the whole country is so humid, you can get the effect anytime you’re outside)

Most confusing: Pizza oven

A Very Merry, Kinda Scary Vintage Christmas

13 of the strangest vintage Christmas cards that don’t quite bring good tidings to you and your kin.

I started out thinking I’d collect a bunch of charming vintage Christmas cards for this post. And while I found some cute images of eager children, kind Santas and snow-covered winter wonderlands, they just weren’t doing it for me. They didn’t begin to compare to the creepy excellence of vintage Halloween cards or the Yuletide greetings from that devilish Krampus.

And then I came across an old Christmas card that depicted the cheerful sentiment of a man getting mauled to death by a polar bear.

Given that I’m more likely to be on Santa’s naughty than nice list, I knew I had found my theme: Christmas cards that have a bizarre bent.

Given that I’m more likely to be on Santa’s naughty than nice list, I knew I had found my theme: Christmas cards that have a bizarre bent. As I searched around online, I grew more and more confounded. What the heck does a dead robin have to do with a merry Christmas? What’s up with that frog who stabbed and robbed his compatriot? What is that thing in the pot — and why does the cook have a bird’s head? Why are those oysters so sad? And who gave that little doggie a rifle?!

Here are the 14 weirdest vintage Christmas cards I could find.

Wishing you a weird and wonderful Christmas! –Wally

Mercado de la Merced: Our Favorite Stalls

Eat your way through Malaga’s refined and friendly food hall, which includes 22 fast-casual concepts under one roof.

Dining options galore (and farmers’ market shopping during the day) at the Mercado de la Merced in Málaga, Spain

The Mercado de la Merced is a short stroll from the famous Plaza de la Merced, where a monument erected in honor of General José María de Torrijos and 48 of his men stands. Torrijos was executed by a firing squad on the beach of San Andres by the order of King Ferdinand VII in 1831 after a failed attempt to overthrow the regime. Incidentally, the square also contains Pablo Picasso’s birth home, which is now a museum.


Market Days

A destination within itself, the Mercado de la Merced boasts a variety of eateries preparing and selling delicious regional cuisine in a casual setting. It also has stalls that sell adult beverages, and Jo, Wally and I shared a bottle of El Nomada Rioja from Taninos Vinocateca.

Suffice to say, we returned a second time and probably would have returned a third had time allowed.

Salud to great friends and great food

We sat on colorful bent steel and wood barstools, designed by the innovative studio Design Club. The three of us shared empanadas, wine and mini ebelskiver pancakes.

Suffice to say, we returned a second time and probably would have returned a third had time allowed.
 

Here are a few of our favorites stalls at the mercado:

Nice gams: The oh-so-delicious Ibérico ham can be aged for over three years!

1. Beher Iberian Ham

This prized artisanal ham from the family-run business Beher is cured for at least 30 to 42 months and is made from black-skinned pure-bred pata negra (black-hoofed) Ibérico pigs so named for the hoof that accompanies each ham.

What makes this distinctive, silky textured meat unique is that the pigs roam freely in dehesas (ancient oak groves), grazing on grass for 18 to 24 months. When the oak trees drop their acorns in early fall, the piggies gorge solely on an acorn-rich diet until they reach their kill weight of 360 pounds.

I always look forward to the luxury of enjoying Iberian ham when we visit Spain, and it's incredible to watch it being expertly hand-carved.

 

2. Carnes & Cía Grill

One word: empanadas. Carnes & Cía brings the flavors of Argentina to Málaga. The empanadas are filled with meats that have been grilled Argentinian-style over coals, yielding tender morsels of smoky and succulent meat. Did I mention that they are  accompanied with homemade chimichurri sauce?

 

Mini ebelskiver pancake puffs, a Dutch dessert, from the Pof stall

3. Pof

There’s no denying that I have a sweet tooth and will always say yes to dessert. One of Pof’s specialties is delicious homemade mini ebelskiver pancake puffs, a treat originating from Denmark. Six warm, pillowy puffs are made to order and topped with a dulce de leche sauce, a dusting of powdered sugar and sliced strawberries if you’d like — what’s not to like?

While we were waiting for ours, Jo remarked about the young woman working there who was wearing a floppy white chef hat.

Whipping up another batch of mini pancakes at Pof in the Mercado de la Merced

“How can she wear that on her head and still look cute?” Jo wanted to know.

The young woman reminded me a bit of Anna Paquin. We watched as she whipped up the mini pancakes. There were a few burnt ones sitting in the center of the multi-row concave pan the batter is put into.

“Well, that certainly isn't selling, it,” said the ever-candid Jo.

 

Who’s in the mood for octopus?

We never made it to the mercado during the day but saw an entire section of stalls that act as a farmers’ market during the day, where you can shop for fresh seafood, fruit, vegetables, meat and more. Wally and I, of course, were delighted with the whimsical designs on the closed stalls — it was fun to guess what lay within.

¡Buen provecho! –Duke

 

Caganer: A Crappy Spanish Christmas Tradition Explained

No Catalan Christmas is complete without Caga Tio’s crazy counterpart, the Christmas Shitter.

As hard as it might be to believe, this figurine of a man squatting and taking a poop, known as the Caganer, is actually placed in nativity scenes.

On the sick and demented show South Park, which never fails to serve up brilliant zeitgeist zingers, there’s an unlikely Yuletide character: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He’s literally a merry little piece of shit. Part of what makes him so funny — besides the fact that he flies out of the toilet and leaves brown schmears everywhere he goes — is how absurd it is to connect what was once the holiest of holidays with, well, fecal matter.

Turns out the Catalans had already been doing just that for a couple of centuries.

The Caganer has his pants pulled down to expose his ample bottom — and there’s a spiral of shit at his feet.

You can find dozens of defecating delights at Barcelona’s Christmas fair, the Fira de Santa Llúcia.

Who exactly is the Caganer?

He’s a cheerful little guy dressed in a traditional Catalan outfit: white shirt, red cap and belt, black pants. Innocuous from the front, there’s a surprise around back. The Caganer has his pants pulled down to expose his ample bottom — and there’s a spiral of shit at his feet.

 

How do you pronounce Caganer? 

My friend Albert, who lives in Barcelona, sent voice recordings so I could hear how you properly pronounce Caganer. To me, it sounded like “ka-ga-nay,” but said very quickly. I suggested that pronunciation guide to Albert, and he wasn’t quite sold.

Moral of the story: End the word with an “ay” sound rather than “er” — and you should get an A for effort.

 

RELATED: ¿Como se dice “shit” en español? Learn Spanish swear words here!

 

Holy crap! The defecating figurine is actually placed in the nativity scene.

It sounds sacrilegious to include someone dropping a deuce near Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men and the rest of the nativity bunch. But that’s exactly what Catalan families do — though the Caganer is placed far away from the manger.

“The Caganer is never in the front of the nativity scene. That would be a lack of respect. He’s always hidden in a corner, under a bridge or behind a tree, and every morning the children play a game, hunting for the Caganer,” Joan Lliteras, a self-proclaimed “Caganer connoisseur,” told the BBC.

 

How the heck did this tradition start?

As strange as it sounds, the Caganer is seen as a symbol of fertility and good fortune.

“There was the legend that if a countryside man did not put a Caganer in the nativity scene, he would have a very bad year collecting vegetables,” Lliteras explained.

“Others say that the irreverent figure is meant to humble establishment figures or that it demonstrates that no one can be prepared for when Jesus will appear,” Smithsonian.com reported.

There’s another theory: Not everyone could give the Son of God expensive gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh like the Magi.

“It was the only thing the little shepherd boy had to give the Baby Jesus,” Nancy Duneuve told the BBC. “So it’s not at all disrespectful — it’s a great gift.”

Manure, after all, makes good fertilizer.

Political, pop culture and sports figures all get the Caganer treatment

Was that the Queen of England I saw taking a dump?

Why, yes, yes, it was. The Caganer tradition has entered the modern era. While you can still find the original Caganer, the Christmas markets of Barcelona and the nearby area are filled with Star Wars characters, political figures (yes, Trump has become popular this year), football stars, the Pope, Spider-Man and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Vendors insist it’s not an insult but rather a great honor to be depicted as a Christmas crapper.

 

Believe it or not, this isn’t the only Scatological Catalan Christmas tradition!

Our friend Albert’s nieces sit atop a giant Caga Tío, a log you feed and beat until it poops out treats.

Our friend Albert’s nieces sit atop a giant Caga Tío, a log you feed and beat until it poops out treats.

There’s also the Caga Tío, the Pooping Log. This is a piece of wood with a cartoonish face (googly eyes, big smile). It wears a traditional red Catalan cap like the Caganer and is covered with a blanket. Kids feed it their leftovers, beat it with sticks, sing a song — and hope it poops out yummy treats. I guess you could say they literally beat the shit out of it.

 

Visit Caganer.com — and start your own collection. Catalan Christmases truly are the shit. –Wally

 

ANOTHER BIZARRE XMAS TRADITION: Krampus, the Christmas Devil

The Gibralfaro: The Most Spectacular Views in Malaga

This ancient fortress is one of the best things to do in Málaga, Spain — and it beats out the Alcazaba.

Be sure to walk the ramparts of the Gibralfaro, the Moorish fortress that looms above Málaga, Spain

Somehow our friends had never experienced it — and it turned out to be one of our favorite parts of Málaga (aside from the delicious food and over-the-top religious iconography, of course).

Jo and José had been to the Alcazaba before, but hadn’t gotten around to exploring the Gibralfaro yet. After joining us there on an afternoon hike, it has become one of the places they’ll now take everyone who visits them in Málaga.

You can walk the entire perimeter of the fortress — affording the best views in the entire city.

The Málaga Cathedral stands proud as the buildings of the city center encroach upon it

The defensive wall of the Gibralfaro

When was the Gibralfaro built?

The castillo was built in 929 CE, commissioned by Abd-al-Rahman III, Caliph of Cordoba, reports andalucia.com.

The structure was enlarged by Yusef I, Sultan of Granada, at the beginning of the 14th century, after realizing that Málaga’s other Moorish castle, the Alcazaba, was too vulnerable to cannonfire, according to visit-andalucia.com. The sultan also added the wall that connects the two fortresses.

How'd the Gibralfaro get its name?

Because it was built on the site of a former Phoenician enclosure and lighthouse, it was given a name that's derived from an Arabic and a Greek word: Gebel-Faro: Rock of the Lighthouse.

Wally jumps for joy during a visit to the Gibralfaro

How was the Gibralfaro designed?

It was considered the most impregnable fortress on the Iberian Peninsula for a time, according to the Ayuntamiento de Málaga. It has two lines of zigzagging walls and eight towers.

The coolest part is that you can walk the entire perimeter of the fortress — affording the best views in the entire city. You can look down upon the Plaza de la Merced, where Picasso was born, the cathedral, the coast and the bullring.

You can look down upon the Plaza de la Merced, famous for being the birthplace of Pablo Picasso

When I was researching our trip, I kept coming across pictures of the bullring taken from above. (Of course at the time, I was sure it was a remarkably well-preserved Roman colosseum. That turned out to be bull, ha ha.) I wanted to be sure to capture the same dramatic view. Well, I needn’t have worried. You, too, can capture this glorious scene from the ramparts of the Gibralfaro fortress.

The fortress affords fantastic views, including the iconic bullring of Málaga

Was the Gibralfaro part of any famous battles?

Not a battle per se, but a siege conducted by the Catholic monarchs, Ferdinand and Isabella, which ended only when hunger forced the Malagueños to surrender.

Afterwards Ferdinand occupied the site, while his queen took up residence in the town.

Interesting historic fact: This was the first conflict in which gunpowder was used by both sides.

You can even see down to the harborfront. That colorful glass box is the entrance to the Centre Pompidou Málaga

Any advice for exploring the Gibralfaro?

If you only have time for one of these historic sites, hit the Gibralfaro. The views are worth it.

And wear sensible shoes. As the Young Adventress points out, it’s a bit of a hike to the top, and then you’ll be walking around the periphery walls without any real shelter from the sun.

But! The good news is that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow — or at least a nice tinto de verano or cold beer at Terrazita, the small outdoor bar. –Wally

What Is Krampus, the Anti-Santa?

Everything you wanted to know about Krampus the Christmas Devil but were afraid to ask.

This frightening monster is called Krampus — and he's actually part of Christmas celebrations in Austria and other countries in Central Europe

A demonic goat man with massive fangs, twisted horns and a frighteningly long tongue. It’s a creature that’s almost too horrifying to even be associated with Halloween — and yet, in some parts of Europe, this ghastly beast is actually Santa’s sidekick.

Not surprisingly, Krampus became the subject of a horror movie last year.

Misbehaving kids in the United States should count their blessings. They only get coal in their stockings. Krampus beats bad children with a bundle of birch sticks — and then drags them down to his lair in Hell.

How the heck did this nightmarish demon, known as the “Christmas Devil,” come about?

 

Don't look, but I think there’s a Krampus behind you!

This little girl looks like she doesn’t have anything to worry about. But that bad little boy is being packed off to Hell!

What does Krampus look like?

The stuff of nightmares. Think of a satyr or faun on acid. A fur-covered half-goat, half-man, all-demon monstrosity.

The Los Angeles Times describes him as “a hairy, horned, chain-toting biped that resembles a Wookiee on a bender.”

He shambles along, dragging chains and the shackles he has broken free of. (It begs the question who locked him up in the first place?)

Vintage holiday cards from Austria feature the Christmas Devil, and read, “Greetings from Krampus!”

Like Santa Claus, he, too, has a large sack he carries over his shoulder (sometimes depicted as a large basket). Except Krampus’ isn’t filled with presents — it’s stuffed with kidnapped children.

 

When did Krampus first appear?

“Vague written accounts mentioning pelts and horns date back to the 17th century,” Atlas Obscura reports.

But his devil-like form didn’t really get solidified until holiday postcards trumpeting, “Gruß vom Krampus!” (Greetings from Krampus!) became all the rage in Austria.

“Another factor that likely influenced the character’s satyr-like appearance was the fin de siècle obsession with Pan,” the Greek god of nature, according to Atlas Obscura.

 

What’s he do to naughty children?

Misbehaving kids in the United States should count their blessings. They only get coal in their stockings. Krampus is much more of a disciplinarian: He beats bad children with a bundle of birch sticks — and then drags them down to his lair in Hell, National Geographic reports.

 

What kind of freak gave birth to this monster?

Not surprisingly, Krampus’ mother is said to be Hel, the Norse goddess of the dead. She in turn is the daughter of the mischief-maker Loki. Hel is half-dead, looking like a living, if gloomy, woman — aside from her legs (and, one would assume, her lady bits), which are those of a rotting corpse. Variously, she’s depicted as her living and dead halves literally split down the middle, revealing half a skeletal face and body, usually on her left side.

 

How’d Krampus get his name?

His name derives from the German word krampen, meaning claw.

Kind St. Nicholas became the Santa Claus we know today, while the evil Krampus punishes naughty children

They know if you’ve been bad or good — so be good for goodness’ sake

What sick fucks came up with this creature?

The Germans, apparently. Krampus is seen as the yin to St. Nicholas’ yang. The devilish figure raids towns the night of December 5, known as Krampusnacht, or Krampus Night. The next day is St. Nicholas Day, when German children find one of two items in the shoes or boots they’ve left out on their doorsteps: presents if they’ve been good or a rod if they’ve been bad (to beat them with, presumably).

A man dressed in his horrific finery takes part in a Krampuslauf, or Krampus Run

What other countries have incorporated Krampus into their Yuletide traditions?

Austria, in particular, caught Krampus fever. There, as well as in Hungary, Slovenia and the Czech Republic, men dress up as devils, get wasted and chase people through the streets for a Krampuslauf, or Krampus Run.

Where the wild things are: What do you call a collection of Krampuses?

“For these runners, Krampus is the dark counterpart to the gemütlichkeit Christmas evokes,” Fest300 writes. “Gemütlichkeit is a hard word to translate, but it encompasses both coziness and conviviality, whereas Krampus is the other half of the winter solstice: darkness, cold and snowy fir forests where branches snap and things go bump in the frozen night.”

Apparently not everyone is terrified of Krampus. This little girl feeds her Krampus dolly

Seriously, though, what’s up with a demon being St. Nick’s cohort?

The Alps must have a dark mystery to them. Krampus embodies “the season of autumn and early winter — the twilight, the slowing down and the mystical feeling that foreshadows these traditional events, the tales of mythical creatures, the forests of the mountains where they lurk and the presence of the unknown,” a person who dresses as Krampus told the L.A. Times.

 

As the Christmas carol goes, “You better watch out” indeed! –Wally

The French Election: A Choice Between Two “Nazis”

France’s next president is shaping up to be the far-right François Fillon or the farther-right Marine Le Pen.

François Fillon won the primary to become the presidential candidate for the French Republican party

France is in the midst of its election season, and François Fillon, an ultraconservative French version of Trump, won the primary on November 27.

The country is in a panic. The most likely top two candidates for French presidency now are Fillon and Marine Le Pen, the French David Duke (a notorious white supremacist)! So it’s likely Nazi-light or Nazi-totale for France.

Trump’s America would look like a democracy in heaven versus Le Pen’s France!

Most of us expats are freaking out! Trump’s America would look like a democracy in heaven versus Le Pen’s France!

Marine Le Pen, the representative of France’s xenophobic Front National party, could be the next French president

How did this happen?

It’s the same as the United States: Ultraconservatives felt pushed too fast and too far to the left with sweeping social changes.

France has two faces: open and bohemian in Paris and conservative, Catholic, everything-phobic in the backlands.

Poland, Hungary and the U.K. are on the fast track to the alt-right already. British Prime Minister Theresa May is even invoking God to help in the Brexit!

The U.S. has succumbed, and next is France. Europe is falling to pieces.

Me? I’m renewing my Canadian passport! –Kent