Did King David and King Solomon Really Exist?

Shocking evidence answers this question as well as whether David was a successful warrior king and Solomon built his legendary temple and palace. 

Historical evidence reveals that the legendary kings of Israel, David and Solomon, actually existed.

They’re the first two legendary kings of Israel: David, who as a youth defeated the Philistine giant Goliath with a single stone from his slingshot, and Solomon, gifted with otherworldly wisdom and wealth. (Okay, so there was one king before them, Saul — but God was already planning his replacement when Saul committed suicide after the Philistines killed his sons.)

The City of David, thought to be the original site of Jerusalem, is now Wadi Hilweh, a predominantly Palestinian neighborhood.

“The actual extent of the Davidic ‘empire’ is hotly debated,” write Israel Finkelstein and Neil Asher Silberman in The Bible Unearthed: Archaeology’s New Vision of Ancient Israel and the Origin of Its Sacred Texts. “Digging in Jerusalem has failed to produce evidence that it was a great city in David or Solomon’s time. And the monuments ascribed to Solomon are now most plausibly connected with other kings. Thus a reconsideration of evidence has enormous implications.”

“A shard of a monument sent shockwaves throughout the world of biblical scholarship — and provided the oldest proof of a biblical patriarch: namely, the legendary King David.”

We’ve seen that the first books of the Old Testament, the Jewish Torah, fudged the facts: There wasn’t a mass Exodus out of Egypt. There wasn’t a conquest of Canaan by God’s Chosen People. So how about David and Solomon — are they a myth as well?

Michelangelo’s iconic statue of David

King David: What’s the Proof He Existed?

“David and Solomon are such central religious icons to both Judaism and Christianity that the recent assertions of radical biblical critics that King David is ‘no more a historical figure than King Arthur,’ have been greeted in many religious and scholarly circles with outrage and disdain,” Finkelstein and Silberman write.

At first, things didn’t look good: “for all their reported wealth and power, neither David nor Solomon is mentioned in a single known Egyptian or Mesopotamian text,” the authors continue. 

Was King David, who, as a mere boy, killed the giant Goliath with a single blow, just a myth? David und Goliath by Osmar Schindler, 1888

But often it only takes one single archeological artifact to revolutionize our version of history. We see this constantly in Egypt, where a scrap of papyrus or engraving on a statue completely alters our understanding of a pharaoh’s reign. 

And it was a shard of a monument that sent shockwaves throughout the world of biblical scholarship — and provided the oldest proof of a biblical patriarch: namely, the legendary King David.

David holds up the head of the giant Goliath.

In 1993 at the site of Tel Dan in northern Israel, archeologists discovered a fragment of a black basalt monument that dates to around 835 BCE. While it spoke of a horrific defeat of Israel and Judah (which were separate kingdoms at the time) by Hazael, the king of Damascus, amidst his boasting he mentions the House of David. 

The Tel Dan Stele, dating from 835 BCE, mentions defeating the House of David — making it the oldest proof of a biblical patriarch.

This means that David’s dynasty “was known throughout the region; this clearly validates the biblical description of Judahite kings in Jerusalem,” Finkelstein and Silberman write.

David wasn’t actually the best guy. As described in the Bible, he fell in love with another man’s wife and sent him off to the front line of a battle to be killed.

But Was David a Warrior King?

While biblical literalists can be pleased to find evidence that King David did once live and rule in the Levant, they’re sure to be bummed that there’s no way he could have embarked on a military campaign of any sort. 

“There is absolutely no archaeological indication of the wealth, manpower and level of organization that would be required to support large armies — even for brief periods — in the field,” according to Finkelstein and Silberman.

Next thing you know, they’ll be saying David didn’t actually slay the gigantic hero of the Philistine army with a single shot from a slingshot.

A color sketch by Edward Poynter for his 1890 painting The Visit of the Queen of Sheba to King Solomon

King Solomon: Was He Really a Master Builder?

David’s son Solomon, to whom God gave “wisdom and understanding beyond measure,” is said to have commissioned numerous building projects, including a magnificent temple to YHWH and a nearby palace. The Old Testament, as well as the Nevi’im section of the Hebrew Bible, describes him as fortifying Jerusalem, along with the important provincial cities of Hazor, Megiddo and Gezer. 

Ancient Jerusalem, with Solomon’s Temple at its center (note: probably not drawn to scale)

So some archaeologists and biblical scholars were downright giddy at the discovery of somewhat similar six-chambered gates at Hazor, Megiddo and Gezer. Surely this was a sign of Solomon’s famous public works projects! 

If that is indeed the case, though, I wonder why there isn’t a gate like that at Jerusalem, Solomon’s capital city? 

The six-chambered gate at Gezer was once thought to have been built by Solomon — but it was actually constructed decades after his reign.

It turns out that renewed analysis of the archaeological styles and pottery showed that they dated to the early 9th century BCE. The trouble with that? It happens to be decades after Solomon had died. 

Solomon’s Temple in Jerusalem — though it probably wasn’t anything as grand as it’s depicted.

Petitioners came to Solomon for his judgements. He was basically the Judge Judy of his time.

Solomon was said to possess a magic ring that allowed him to control demons and jinn.

Mythic Kings as Propaganda

“The material culture of the highlands in the time of David remained simple,” Finkelstein and Silberman write. “The land was overwhelmingly rural — with no trace of widespread literacy that would be necessary for the functioning of a proper monarchy.” Jerusalem was no more than a typical highland village. Only about 5,000 people lived in the vicinity.

Archeological remains of King David’s palace show that at the time, Jerusalem was a relatively small town.

And even though King David’s deeds have been aggrandized, he must have been a talented ruler who joined his region together. “Such a small and isolated society like this would have been likely to cherish the memory of an extraordinary leader like David as his descendants continued to rule in Jerusalem over the next four hundred years,” the authors say. 

At the time these stories in the Old Testament were written, in the 7th century BCE, Jerusalem had grown into a relatively large city, dominated by the Temple to the God of Israel, with an impressive army and administrative bureaucracy. 

The stories of the powerful King David made for good propaganda at the time of Josiah. David and Goliath by Titian, circa 1544

God gives Solomon his famous wisdom.

Building up the reputation of legendary kings of the past served the current ruler, Josiah. This useful bit of propaganda connected Josiah as an heir of David, the man who was said to have conquered the Promised Land and established an empire. It helped bolster support for Josiah’s “vision of a national renaissance that sought to bring scattered, war-weary people together, to prove to them that they had experienced a stirring history under the direct intervention of God,” according to Finkelstein and Silberman. “The glorious epic of the united monarchy was — like the stories of the patriarchs and the sagas of the Exodus and conquest — a brilliant composition that wove together ancient heroic tales and legends into a coherent and persuasive prophecy for the people of Israel in the seventh century BCE.” 

If they had to fudge the truth to accomplish that, so be it. –Wally

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OTHER RELIGION POSTS

Did the Old Testament Conquest of Canaan Really Happen?

Archeological evidence shows that the Israelites’ destruction of Jericho and the other cities of the Promised Land was nothing more than propaganda. 

And the walls came tumbling down? Did the city of Jericho fall as it’s depicted in the Bible? The Taking of Jericho by James Tissot, circa 1902

I always felt bad for Moses. He suffered as his people were enslaved by the Egyptians and was instrumental in leading their escape — only to have them wander dejectedly through the desert for 40 years. And then, right as the Israelites were in sight of Canaan, at long last, poor old Moses keels over and dies. He never even got to set foot in the Promised Land. 

It seems like a cruel trick: After leading his people out of slavery and then for 40 years in the desert, Moses gets a glimpse of the Promised Land — but dies before entering it.

Turns out the Israelites most likely didn’t go on to engage in a conquest of Canaan as the Bible says, according to Israel Finkelstein and Neil Asher Silberman in their book The Bible Unearthed: Archaeology’s New Vision of Ancient Israel and the Origin of Its Sacred Texts. 

“Despite the string of fantastical victories described in the Bible, there’s no archeological evidence that the Israelites conquered the cities of Canaan. ”

At the time of the supposed conquest of cities like Canaan, the area was actually sparsely populated with no evidence of warfare.

Despite the string of fantastical victories described in the Old Testament of the Christians (the first five books of which make up the Jewish Torah), there’s simply no archeological evidence that the Israelites conquered the cities of Canaan. 

In fact, at the time the conquest is said to have happened, in the Late Bronze Age, the cities of the region were sparsely populated.

And despite the description of the walls of Jericho miraculously tumbling down at the blowing of some trumpets, the towns of Canaan weren’t fortified. There would be ruins of stone walls from the time — but there simply aren’t any. Makes for a dramatic story, though. 

A map of the Twelve Tribes of Israel from 1320

The First Israelites: A Peaceful, Gradual Expansion

Instead of a lengthy battle campaign in which the Israelites conquered the major cities of Canaan, archeological evidence points to a much more mellow birth of the Israelite people. 

A dense network of about 250 highland villages in central Canaan developed in the span of a few generations around 1200 BCE. Most were no more than an acre in size, home to an average of 100 inhabitants, half of which were adults and half children. 

There certainly wasn’t a strong cultural identity that united these people.

The Ancient Israelites didn’t go on a killing spree throughout Canaan; they arrived peaceably over the course of a few generations.

“In contrast to the culture of the Canaanite cities and villages in the lowlands, the highland villages contained no public buildings, palaces, storehouses or temples,” write Finkelstein and Silberman. “Signs of any sophisticated kind of recordkeeping, such as writing, seals and seal impressions, are almost completely absent. There are almost no luxury items: no imported pottery and almost no jewelry. Indeed, the village houses were all quite similar in size, suggesting that wealth was distributed quite evenly among the families.”

Also conspicuously absent for God’s supposed Chosen People: shrines or any other evidence of their religious beliefs.

The early Israelites seem to have eked out an agricultural existence. Stone-lined pits dug between houses stored grain, and fenced courtyards secured animal herds at night. 

The Fall of Jericho by Tamás Galambos shows the city as a small metropolis. But the reality is that these were small unfortified villages.

Despite the biblical stories of conquest after conquest, the evidence shows that these people were actually peaceful. The villages weren’t fortified and showed no signs of burning or other sudden destructions that would indicate an attack. Nor were any weapons discovered during excavations.

The Ancient Israelites surely had a lot that differentiated them from other people in the area, like unique religious practices, right? Nope. Only one thing: an aversion to pork.

The One Defining Characteristic of the Early Israelites 

As mentioned, the remains of these villages offer scant clues as to what set apart the Ancient Israelites. There simply isn't any evidence of religion or culture. But there is one item that’s conspicuously missing from their diet: pig bones. While these were found in neighboring lands, the lack of remains reveals that no pigs were raised in the highlands during the Iron Age, the era of the Israelite monarchies. 

So what made the early Israelites unique? They didn’t eat pork. Th-th-th-that’s all, folks. 

“Half a millennium before the composition of the biblical text, with its detailed laws and dietary regulations, the Israelites chose — for reasons that are not entirely clear — not to eat pork,” Finkelstein and Silberman write. “When modern Jews do the same, they are continuing the oldest archaeologically attested cultural practice of the people of Israel.”

This site, known as the Tower of Jericho, reveals that the conquest of Canaan didn’t happen like the Bible says.

Contrary to the Bible

The archeological evidence just doesn’t support the tales of the Old Testament, the authors argue. In fact, it’s the exact opposite: “the emergence of early Israel was an outcome of the collapse of the Canaanite culture, not its cause,” they write. “And most of the Israelites did not come from outside Canaan — they emerged from within it. There was no mass Exodus from Egypt. There was no violent conquest of Canaan. Most of the people who formed early Israel were local people — the same people whom we see in the highlands throughout the Bronze and Iron Ages. The early Israelites were — irony of ironies — themselves originally Canaanites!” –Wally

The Easy-to-Miss Mastabas of Saqqara

The three royal Saqqara tombs of Inefrt V, Unas-Ankh and Idut offer a glimpse into the daily life of Ancient Egyptians. 

Ancient Egyptians believed that a drawing of a sacrifice was as good as the real thing

For most of us, there are a couple of certainties about death: You can’t take it with you, and you can’t bring the dead back to life. 

When pondering the finality of death, we try to reason with fate that it’s not our time to go while simultaneously contemplating the frightening prospect that one day, no matter how hard we try to avoid it, we’ll all end up as worm food. 

“Two of the mastaba’s rooms were purchased by Edward Ayer, the first president of the Field Museum in Chicago.

Strangely enough, these entire rooms were dismantled and traveled by boat to the Windy City, where they were added to the Field’s permanent collection. They can still be viewed today. ”

Step through the doorway to enter a world over 4,000 years old

Not so for the royal and upper-class families of Ancient Egypt, who, although having lived life very much in the present, were preoccupied with achieving the ideal afterlife. The planning and preparation of sophisticated abodes where their souls would reside for eternity often began shortly upon birth. And when a pharaoh did die, if the right precautions were taken, their soul went on to enjoy living among the gods, while the souls of nobility were reborn into a utopia. 

Wally walks like an Egyptian — and you should, too!

Duke’s happy we decided to explore the mastabas at Saqqara

A few Old Kingdom burial structures, known as mastabas (pronounced “mast-a-bahs”) are located within the cemetery complex of Pharaoh Unas at Saqqara. Built for his viziers, wives and offspring, these “forever homes” survived, immutable, for thousands of years, likely due to being hidden under sand. The flat-roofed, low-slung structures are all similar in size, with their exterior walls built of durable limestone blocks. 

Servants bear offerings of beer, bread, fowl, meat and other goodies

Spirits in the Material World: Inefrt V’s Mastaba

The first mastaba that Wally and I went into was the tomb of Inefrt V, a vizier who served Pharaoh Unas from his mid to late reign around 2430 BCE. This was the most powerful title amongst the Egyptian social hierarchy, after that of king — in fact, they’re often called the prime ministers of the time — and Inefrt’s loyalty earned him a coveted final resting spot. 

Finely sculpted limestone relief carvings throughout his tomb depict daily life. The mere utterance of the hieroglyphic inscriptions that accompany them were believed to spark magical powers to prepare the soul of the deceased for the next world.

Six small figures of the deceased, carved in sunken relief, face the central niche of the false door, which was used by the ka, or spirit

In the offertory chapel, one of several rooms, we paused in front of a niche with a false door. After the deceased had been laid to rest, family members and priests continued to bring food and other offerings, which were placed on a low bench-like slab in front of the false door through which the spirit, or ka, would pass through in order to receive sustenance. The dead, you see, still had to eat and drink even if they no longer held a physical form. 

One of the mastabas shows offerings for Prince Unas-Ankh to enjoy during his afterlife

The Princely Digs of Unas-Ankh

The second mastaba tomb we entered belongs to Prince Unas-Ankh, the son of Queen Nebt and King Unas, who died around 2400 BCE. It was discovered and excavated in 1908 by British Egyptologist James E. Quibell, then the chief inspector at Saqqara. Many historians have speculated that the prince died before his father, as no male heir took the throne upon Unas’ death. 

Surprisingly realistic depictions of fish are shown swimming beneath a boat

Scenes devoted to daily life include seated scribes going about their work

Two of the mastaba’s rooms, the offertory chapel and antechamber, were purchased from the Egyptian government by American business magnate Edward Ayer, the founding father and first president of the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago. Strangely enough, these entire rooms were dismantled and traveled by boat to the Windy City, where they were added to the Field’s permanent collection of Ancient Egyptian artifacts. They can still be viewed today. 

Why build a tomb when you can steal one like Princess Idut did? She’s shown smelling a lotus blossom, a symbol of rebirth

Princess Idut and the Usurped Lair of Ihy

The mastaba tomb of the vizier Ihy was the last of this group. Dated to circa 2360 BCE, it was discovered by British Egyptologist Cecil Firth in 1927 and further excavated by French Egyptologist Jean-Philippe Lauer. What makes this tomb particularly interesting is that it was later usurped and reused by Pharaoh Teti’s daughter, Princess Idut, who bears the title of king’s daughter of his body. Ihy’s name was erased, and scenes originally made for the vizier were adapted, with the figure of the princess replacing that of poor Ihy. These were executed in shallow relief and, perhaps because they were made over existing ones, are inferior in quality, in my opinion. 

That baby hippo better watch out for the crocodile!

One of my favorite reliefs within the mastaba depicts a hippopotamus giving birth with a crocodile waiting to gobble up the newborn in its snapping jaws.

Be sure to visit the mastabas after exploring the depths of Unas’ pyramid

The Mastabas of the Unas Complex

The mastaba tombs Wally and I saw at Saqqara were multi-roomed affairs with corridors and a mortuary chapel with a false door for worship and offerings to the deceased. Reliefs often included scenes of hunting, netting fish, herding and butchering animals, threshing grain and other farming activities corresponding to events and experiences that the departed would have enjoyed in everyday life.

One of the main concerns beyond death for royalty and nobles alike was that the deceased would require food, and plenty of it. This bas-relief shows a graphic depiction of butchers slaughtering a bull

As our guide Ahmed hurried us past the mastaba entrances, we stopped and pointed at the doorways.

“What’s in there?” Wally asked.

“Some tombs,” Ahmed said, dismissively.

“Well, let’s go in then. We might only be here once — we want to see everything,” Wally said.

“That’s fine,” Ahmed snapped, obviously annoyed. “We can do that. But they’re all the same.”

Not only was this an alarming statement from a guide, who should be proud of his country’s heritage, it also just wasn’t true.

It wasn’t until then that we told Ahmed we were travel bloggers — and he looked sheepish and then upset, suddenly changing his tune, telling us that it was unfair to have withheld this detail from him and that he would have given us a different tour had he been informed. We thought that was a poor way to treat clients, and I can only imagine that he shared the same dispassionate and rushed tours with everyone.

That’s bull! Don’t let your guide at Saqqara try to pass by the mastabas in the Unas complex

Because of our lackluster Giza and Saqqara experience arranged through the Kempinski hotel concierge in Cairo, I would recommend getting the locations and sights you want to visit in writing and agreed upon the day before your visit. We didn’t — and as a result were subject to the rushed whims of our guide.

Admission to Saqqara cost 150 Egyptian pounds (about $9.50 at the time). Ahmed took us to the Step Pyramid, the entrance hall to Djoser’s Funerary Complex, the Pyramid of Unas, the above-mentioned mastaba tombs and the Imhotep Museum. Knowing what we know now, though, we could have easily have seen more time at Saqqara, including the Serapeum; the tomb of Irukaptah, nicknamed the “Butcher’s Tomb;” the tomb of Queen Nebt, one of the wives of King Unas; and the Tomb of the Two Brothers, possible gay lovers. –Duke

 

Alexander the Great: 8 WTF Facts About His Early Life

Young, bisexual, clever and brave: How this military genius was supposedly responsible for the destruction of one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, solved the Gordian knot, succeeded King Philip II of Macedon and almost died in his first battle against the Persian Empire.

This young man accomplished so much in his short time on Earth

Only the chosen few historical figures merit an epithet. But no one should begrudge Alexander being called the Great. In fact, “Great” doesn’t seem to do this military genius justice. 

I recently cruised through Philip Freeman’s highly entertaining history book, Alexander the Great. It helps that this ancient conqueror’s life, which was all too short, was nonetheless packed with dramatic moments. That’s not to diminish the author’s talent, though. Alexander the Great is as close to a novel as any history book could be.

“Attalus proceeded to rape Pausanias, and then invited all of his guests to do likewise.

After they were done, he was brought to the stables for the mule drivers, the lowliest of servants, to have their way with the unconscious young man as well.”

Here are eight surprising stories I learned about Alexander the Great’s early life.

What woman could resist seduction by Zeus, this sexy beast — even in the form of a lightning bolt? Certainly not Alexander’s mom!

1. His mother claimed he was the son of Zeus.

Alexander’s mother, Olympias, an intense woman who wasn’t afraid to fight for what she wanted, told him that he was wasn’t actually the son of King Philip II of Macedonia. Instead, he was the offspring of the king of the gods, Zeus, who seduced her in the form of a lightning bolt. How shocking! This revelation surely spurred on her son’s hubris as he set off with the humble goal of conquering the world. 

Alexander, who was born in 356 BCE, had been brought up believing he had divine ancestors on both sides: His mother was said to have been a relative of Achilles, the son of Thetis the nereid, a minor goddess of the sea. And his father Philip could trace his lineage back to Herakles (better known to us by his Roman name, Hercules), a demigod who was also the son of Zeus.

The Building of the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus by Hendrik van Cleve III. Do we have Alexander the Great to blame for its loss?

2. His birth became part of a legend about the destruction of one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Helping lend import to the birth of this astounding conqueror was a story that spread, claiming he was the cause of the complete annihilation of the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus. The goddess, you see, was out of town, attending Alexander’s birth, distracted while her temple burned to the ground. 

“The Persian priests known as Magi who were resident in Ephesus reportedly ran madly about the ruins of the temple beating their faces and declaring that one who would bring calamity on Asia had been born that day,” Freeman says. “Other writers more soberly pointed out that the highly flammable temple had been burned down repeatedly in the past and on this occasion had been set ablaze by a mentally disturbed man.”

Never let the truth get in the way of some good propaganda.

Alexander the Great much preferred battles to the bedroom

3. Alexander didn’t like sex or sleeping.

I’ve always thought of Alexander the Great as a gay superhero of sorts, but he had sexual relations with both males and females. He had three sons from various women, though he did seem to prefer boys, even from an early age. In fact, his overbearing mother, Olympias, was worried about his lack of interest in the ladies and went so far as to hire the hottest prostitute around, a Thracian beauty named Callixeina, to seduce her son. It didn’t work. 

“It seems that the unrestrained passion and subsequent weariness of lovemaking deeply troubled the young man,” Freeman writes. “As Alexander would confess years later, sex and sleep more than anything else reminded him that he was mortal.”

This handsome gent is King Philip II, father of Alexander the Great. Hell hath no fury like a gay guy scorned: One of his ex-lovers assassinated him

4. The assassin of his father, Philip II, partly blamed the king for his being gang-raped.

A noble page named Pausanias was quite the looker, and Philip took him as a lover. But once Pausanias was no longer an adolescent, Philip lost interest, the perv. Another royal courtier also named Pausanias (it must’ve been the Chris of Ancient Macedonia) became the king’s boy toy, and the first P was cast aside. L’il P, perhaps in part because his rival had spread rumors about him being a hermaphrodite slut, died in a battle against the Illyrians, trying to prove his manliness.

A general named Attalus was upset at the loss of one of his favorites and plotted revenge on the first Pausanias. He invited the young man to a feast, and instead of diluting the wine like usual, he plowed him with full-strength booze. Soon P had passed out on the couch. Attalus proceeded to rape him, and then invited all of his guests to do likewise. After they were done, P was brought to the stables for the mule drivers, the lowliest of servants, to have their way with the unconscious young man as well.

When he awoke the next day (sore, I’m sure), he found himself the laughing stock of the Macedonian court. As time went by, Pausanias decided to avenge himself. General Attalus had left to command troops in Asia, but King Philip was around. On the morning of the marriage of Philip’s daughter Cleopatra, Pausanias rushed the ruler and stabbed him in the chest, killing him. 

Pausanias’ conspirators betrayed him, the assassin was caught and killed, and his corpse was hung on a cross like a slave.

Sure, she looks sweet on this coin. But Alexander’s mother, Olympias, was anything but

5. Alexander’s mother was a baby-burning monster.

In the months after the king’s death, Olympias performed some horrific acts while Alexander was away. She forced Philip’s young widow, another Cleopatra, to watch as her infant daughter was roasted alive. Olympias then presented Cleopatra with three “gifts”: a rope, a dagger and poison, letting her choose her means of suicide. 

Alexander’s mother, Olympias, oversees the crucifixion of Pausanias, who murdered the king. She also ordered the death of a child and forced her rival to commit suicide (looks like she chose the rope)

“Alexander was reportedly shocked by his mother’s behavior, but he did not punish her,” Freeman writes.

Alexander Consulting the Oracle of Apollo by Louis Jean François Lagrenée. When you fancy yourself conqueror of the world, you don’t care if the Oracle at Delphi says she’s busy

6. Oracles helped bolster Alexander’s claim to divinity and predicted his success.

I’ve always wished we still had oracles — something about these mysterious priestesses who act as vessels for the gods, answering queries in nebulous riddles, has always appealed to me.

Alexander, too, was fascinated by oracles, as were many people at the time. So when he got to the famous Oracle of Delphi and learned that the priestess was in religious seclusion, not to be disturbed, Alexander barged into her lodgings and dragged her to the shrine. When the woman shouted, “You are invincible!” it must have been music to his ears.

Later, once he reached Egypt, Alexander marched his troops on a grueling trek through the desert to the oasis of Siwa, where another oracle resided, this one to the chief deity of the Egyptian pantheon, Amun. 

The priest, who had a thick accent while speaking Greek, greeted Alexander with a slight slip of the tongue. Instead of saying, “O my child,” it came out “O child of the god.” That was all Alexander needed to hear to cement his divine parentage. 

A slip of the tongue by a priest — and you could fancy yourself a demigod, like Alexander the Great did

It might seem strange to us to think that someone could actually believe they were born of a god. But keep in mind that Alexander was in Egypt, a land where the pharaohs who ruled over it had long claimed divine parentage; it was a large part of what legitimized their claim to the throne.

Alexander ended the session with the oracle by asking if he was destined to be master of all the world. 

The oracle nodded. It must have been a welcome surprise, as oracles are known for their frustratingly cryptic responses, which could interpreted in contradictory ways. But there’s not much to doubt from a nod of assent. 

“Alexander’s mother presented her rival with three “gifts”: a rope, a dagger and poison, letting her choose her means of suicide. ”

7. Alexander almost died in his first battle against the Persians.

Imagine how different things would have been if this mighty king had fallen so early in his campaign. During a melee packed with aristocrats at the Granicus River in 334 BCE, Alexander stabbed a man named Mithridates, the son-in-law of the Great King of Persia, right in the face, killing him. Distracted by this battle, Alexander didn’t notice another Persian nobleman, Rhoesaces, who struck a blow on his head so hard it broke his helmet in two. Alexander recovered enough to skewer Rhoesaces with his lance. As this was happening, the satrap, or provincial governor, raised his sword to kill Alexander. A veteran Macedonian soldier known as Black Cleitus rushed forward and cleanly sliced off the man’s arm at the shoulder, right as it hovered in its death blow above Alexander.

I told you: There’s no shortage of drama in this tale.

Sometimes it’s best to take the easy way out — if you can exploit a loophole like Alexander did when faced with a seemingly impossible task

8. Alexander had a controversial way of solving the challenge of the Gordian knot.

It was the stuff of legends: A knot attached to the yoke of a wagon at the temple of Zeus in the land of Phrygia was so complex, all those who tried to undo it failed. And plenty tried, for it was said that whoever could do so would rule all of Asia. 

That’s just the sort of challenge Alexander couldn’t resist. The knot was made of rough bark with no visible ends. Not wanting to lose face, Alexander took one look at the complex jumble, whipped out his sword and cut the knot in two.

That always felt a bit cheaty to me when I heard this tale — though you’ve got to respect the guy for so cleverly exploiting a loophole. –Wally

A Felucca Ride Along the Nile

Our sunset sailboat ride became one of our favorite things to do in Egypt.

The Old Cataract Hotel has its own jetty, where you can hire a felucca for an hour or so

We headed down to the jetty from the Old Cataract Hotel. A barefoot man in a long coarse robe padded over to us. Thankfully I had asked the woman at check-in how much a felucca ride would cost. So when the man said, “200 for one hour…per person,” I shook my head no. “Per boat,” I said. Hey, he had to try. Then, just to make sure, I said, “Egyptian pound.” 

He nodded. “Yes, yes, 200, plus bakshish, tip.”

“Aside from a few near-death experiences, our sunset ride was unbelievably peaceful. ”

We enjoyed the calm stretch of the Nile — while the first mate darted around the felucca, handling the sail

A boy ferried us across to the other side of the Nile, where our vessel, the weather-worn Jellika, awaited. I almost tumbled off the narrow bench when I first sat down, and spent much of the rest of the ride clutching the wood beam above me. 

We constantly saw the Aga Khan Mausoleum in the distance. Apparently it’s not open to tourists

We headed off toward outcroppings of gray stone rounded smooth by thousands of years of water lapping against them.  Always in the distance, perched above us in a barren landscape, stood the Aga Khan Mausoleum. 

The Jellika had no motor — she was entirely dependent upon the wind. We’d cruise along slowly, calmly, for most of the ride, though there were moments when the breeze would pick up and we’d gain a considerable amount of speed. 

We rounded Elephantine Island, its temple ruins visible in glimpses. Some say the island got its name from the large rocks at one end that aren’t too difficult to imagine as bathing pachyderms — though it might have more to do with the fact that it was once an outpost of the ivory trade. 

Here and there we would pass a Nubian home at the water’s edge, painted in bright colors: turquoise with pink trim, or sunny yellow and mint green. 

Our captain was a weathered man who had lost the use of his right side, keeping his arm bent over his stomach, maneuvering the vessel with one hand — and the help of a skinny dark-skinned teenage boy who darted from port to starboard and back again to unfurl the sail or help the felucca tack into a turn. He’d mutter under his breath when the captain barked orders at him. 

Our captain only had full use of half his body, but he was really good at barking orders

This young man did his duties but grumbled under his breath when he wasn’t pointing out sites to us

The boy pointed out attractions to us — the mausoleum, various temples — though I couldn’t understand him. Duke would repeat the words for me. 

“Botah neek gah deen,” he would say, pointing to a large expanse of greenery. 

I’d nod politely, then look over at Duke, who would quietly say, “Botanic garden.”

“Oh! Cool!”

Wally loved being on the water

The felucca ride was one of Duke’s favorite parts of the trip — and it didn’t even involve a temple or tomb!

There were moments when I was sure we’d crash into a rock or the shoreline — but our captain would turn the rudder just in time, and I’d breathe a sigh of relief. 

Aside from these near-death experiences (I have a flair for the dramatic), our sunset ride was unbelievably peaceful. The only sound came from the water that rippled as our small sailboat cut through the Nile, punctuated by the occasional motor of another boat, the barking of a dog, the bleating of a sheep. 

I leaned down to put my hand in the water, fluttering chevrons of glimmering gold and teal. I couldn’t help but smile. This has to be the most gorgeous stretch of the entire Nile. –Wally

Ruins of the temple on Elephantine Island can be seen across the Nile

The Magnificent Parroquia San Juan Bautista

Don’t miss la Iglesia de Coyoacán, a striking example of Spanish colonial history and one of the oldest surviving houses of worship in Mexico City.

Add la Iglesia de Coyoacán to your itinerary when exploring this boho neighborhood.

After lunch at Los Danzantes, Wally and I made our way from the leafy Jardín Centenario and crossed Calle Carrillo Puerto, the street that separates the adjacent Plaza Centenario and Plaza Hidalgo.

Presiding over the south side of the Plaza Hidalgo and directly in our line of vision was the Parroquia San Juan Bautista, known locally as la Iglesia de Coyoacán, the Catholic church and former mission dedicated to Saint John the Baptist. The Spanish first introduced Christianity to the indigenous Nahuatl people in the early 16th century.

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A WALKING TOUR OF ARTSY COYOACÁN

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In front of the church entrance is a cobblestone square that originally extended into what is now Plaza Centenario. During the colonial period, the square was used to host religious one act dramatizations known as autos sacramentales. Rather than completely abandon old beliefs, the missionaries adopted a strategy to spread the new faith by incorporating indigenous ritual practices that had similarities to Christianity.

A four-story bell tower, which was added later, in the 18th century, stands to the west of the main church and was once topped by a dome, lantern and cross. Sadly, the dome collapsed during an earthquake in September 2017.

The church was built on the site of a school for Aztec nobles.

“San Juan Bautista was built upon the site of a calmecac, a school for Aztec nobility, whose ruins still exist beneath the cloister. ”

The relatively plain façade is in the Herrerian style, named after Spanish architect and mathematician Juan de Herrera. This architectural style is characterized by clean geometric lines and is almost entirely absent of ornamentation, with the exception of grooved classical pilasters, columns of the Ionic order set into the face of the church. An inscription in Latin above the door translates to, “There is none other but a house of God, and this a gate of the heavens.”

The exterior is plain, but the interior is anything but, as this ornate altar attests.

Above in bas-relief, are the coat of arms of the Roman Catholic Order of Preachers, better known as the Dominicans. The petals of the fleur-de-lis cross symbolize the 12 apostles. Another carving depicts a sort of monogram of the Virgin Mary — a crown with the intertwined letters A and M for Ave Maria.

Gorgeous archways and ceiling frescos adorn San Juan Bautista.

Construction of the church happened in fits and starts, between 1527 and 1552, on land donated to conquistador Hernan Cortés by the native Ixtolinque chief, who was baptized into the Catholic faith under the name of Juan de Guzmán. Under the direction of the Dominican order, San Juan Bautista was built upon the site of a calmecac, a school for the sons of Aztec nobility, whose ruins still exist beneath the cloister. The original structure was designed as a basilica, with a simple rectangular floor plan used in temple architecture.

In 1934, the church was declared a historic monument by the government of the republic.

The sides of the church’s interior are gloriously gilded.

Going for Baroque

If you’re like Wally and me, you can’t go to a city without exploring a few churches, and the Parroquia San Juan Bautista did not disappoint. Stepping inside, we immediately noticed the exuberant interior, modified between 1926 and 1947 to reflect the prevailing Baroque style and reduced to a single nave flanked by seven small chapels on either side.

If it’s not Baroque, don’t fix it.

The ubiquitous Virgin of Guadalupe

Among the most striking works are the illusion-inducing ceiling frescoes depicting scenes from the life of Christ by Catalan painter Juan de Fabregat. Angels perch high above the column capitals lining the walls and culminate in the magnificent Chapel of the Rosary, with its lavishly decorated high altar embellished with the glow of gold leaf.

The ceiling depicts scenes from the life of Jesus, including the Sermon on the Mount.

It’s certainly worth popping into Coyoacán’s main church for a quick wander.

An angel guards over the dome at the front of the church.

We paused to admire the vitrine with (the admittedly creepy) el Cristo de los Milagros, Christ of the Miracles, with a mystical assemblage of gold and pewter milagros, healing charms, pinned to a sea of red ribbons. Milagros of a specific body part, such as a leg, are used in a prayer for the improvement for some condition associated with a leg, such as arthritis or a bad knee. Some of the milagros had photos of the person to be healed.

The creepy, life-size Cristo de los Milagros

If you want to be healed of an ailment, leave a milagro of the proper body part and maybe a photo, then tie a red ribbon and pin it to the wall.

Oh, baby! One of the strange icons to offer devotions to at the Iglesia de Coyoacán

Other works were designed to appeal to the emotions of the faithful and feature biblical depictions of the lives of the saints of the Franciscan order, including the Vision of Saint Teresa, the taking of the habit of Santa Clara, and the stigmatizations of San Francisco, Saint Domingo and San Juan.

Expect an inundation of elaborate ornamentation.

Converting the infidels

Gold-painted statuary and frills line the sides of the church.

Corpse-like mannequins can seem a strange inclusion to a church.

One of the niches on the right-hand side of the church

We passed through a doorway into a small chapel, where a small group of students was sketching. This led out to an arched arcade of Tuscan columns. This was the cloister of the convent, perhaps founded by Friar Juan de la Cruz, an indigenous man who spoke Castilian Spanish. Within the convent’s walls, Nahuatl people were baptized and taught the tenets of the Christian faith.

Out back you can explore the quiet cloisters.

This might have been where indigenous people were baptized into the Catholic faith.

A group of students was sketching when we visited.

Like the neighborhood itself, the church is a destination full of rich culture. So if you should find yourself in Coyoacán, make sure to spend some time exploring the Parroquia San Juan Bautista. Like us, you’ll be glad you did. –Duke

La Iglesia de Coyoacán

Parroquia San Juan Bautista
Plaza Centenario 8
Villa Coyoacán
04000 Coyoacán
CDMX, Mexico

Bali Then and Now

In the post-Eat Pray Love world, Bali has lost a bit of its charm. Ubud has become a more congested tourism hotspot, but parts of the island remain a paradise on Earth.

Bali then: Malcolm and Wally at Tirta Gangga’s lotus fountain in 2001

Bali now: The royal water garden has been renovated and is much more crowded

We had been planning the trip to Bali for half a year. And then, less than two weeks before we were set to leave, 9/11 rocked our world. The entire country was in a daze. Americans had been living in a  bubble of isolation, of false protection, thinking that our global actions wouldn’t have severe repercussions. And the idea of an attack on our own turf was incomprehensible. But then the World Trade Center towers fell, and that bubble popped horrifically and unexpectedly that morning in September.

The United States, so often a place of optimism, had turned utterly depressing. I eagerly grasped at the chance to escape the overwhelming malaise. “I’m still going to Bali,” I told my travel companions.

“I reserve the right to back out, even up to the last minute,” my friend Christina told me. It probably didn’t help that she was unnecessarily taking malaria pills at the time, which can induce paranoia as a side effect.

“We were able to flee a country at a desperate time, and instead explore a vibrant culture on a tropical isle halfway around the world.

Bali shimmers in my memory as a paradise on Earth.”

When the day came, Christina and her then-husband Malcolm joined me at O’Hare in Chicago. The airport had only recently reopened, and everyone still seemed scared to fly. The corridors were empty. I felt fatalistic, numb. It was difficult to care what happened, but I was willing to take the risk.

I decided to bleach my hair before our trip to Bali back in 2001. Here Malcolm and I tried posing as Dewi Sri, the goddess of rice

And here I am, 17 years later, back on Bali, this time making a point to visit the gorgeous Tegalalang Rice Terrace

What ended up happening was that we were able to flee a country at a desperate time, and instead explore a vibrant culture on a tropical isle halfway around the world. It was just what the doctor ordered, and I recall that trip, back in 2001, as one of the best of my life. Bali shimmers in my memory as a paradise on Earth.

So I was eager to share the magic of Bali with my husband, Duke. We had visited other parts of Southeast Asia, our favorite region on the planet, and I decided it was time I returned to Bali.

Here are some ruminations on my experiences on this one-of-a-kind Indonesian island 17 years ago and how it differed on our recent trip.

Bali then: We passed by the Saraswati Temple every time we left our hotel

Bali now: One thing hasn’t changed — the Saraswati Temple is still the centerpiece of Ubud

For one thing, the city of Ubud has grown exponentially. When I was here before, I remember it being a sleepy little town, with one main drag. We would wander into town in the morning, find a driver parked along the side of the road, negotiate a day rate and hop in. We would say, “Take us to a cool Hindu temple and an art village.” I don’t recall us ever having a set itinerary; we put ourselves entirely in our driver’s hands.

We did take some farther-afield trips, tourist attractions two hours or so away. Of course back then it might not have taken so long because the traffic wasn’t nearly as bad as it is now.

Traffic has gotten a lot worse on Bali, from motorbikes to construction vehicles

Speaking of traffic, there are certain stretches of the small winding two-lane roads where traffic becomes impassable. A lot of it has to do with the construction vehicles that are all over the place now as the city and the island itself gets built up more and more.

Last time, we stayed at cheap villas with hand-carved teak details for about $15 a night. This time, we went for a luxury resort

Beggars now plead for money in parts of Ubud. We didn’t see any homeless in the streets in Ubud on our trip 17 years ago. But there were plenty of signs of poverty in the small city of Kuta, which is popular with Aussie surfers. (This was part of reason I had zero desire to go back to Kuta on this trip. If you’re going to visit a tropical paradise, why surround yourself with the filth of a city?)

You don’t see a lot of people begging for money in Ubud, but we did see about 10 the five or so days we were there. In fact, one homeless woman was holding up her young daughter as she squatted over an open sewer grate to take a dump.

When we visited temples in 2001, there weren’t many other tourists, and locals would dress us in sarongs, sashes around our waists and headdresses

A lot of the handicraft items were no longer anywhere to be found. When I was here before, there were certain items that lined stalls in every market you visited but had, for some reason, vanished: shadow puppets, wooden frog instruments, blow dart guns, hand-carved chess sets, colorful kites in the shape of ships and the wavy ceremonial daggers called kris.

The only time I saw Western toilets on Bali in 2001 was at hotels (usually series of bare-bones but dirt-cheap villas). This sticker showing people how to use them — don’t squat right on the seat! — never failed to amuse me

Last time I was here, you literally only found Western toilets at your lodging. In fact, they had stickers on them to tell people who are unfamiliar that you shouldn’t squat on top of the seat. This time there was only one bathroom I went into where there was traditional Balinese toilet, which is really ceramic hole in the ground with treads for your feet. You “flush” your waste by dipping a plastic pot or bucket into the garbage can filled with water.

A Balinese cockfight from the late 1950s

When I visited last time, Ubud felt more like a traditional village. One afternoon we wandered behind a temple and stumbled upon a cockfight. We had heard about this popular pastime and stopped to watch. A group of men waved bills, placing bets on their favored bird.

Each contestant held his prized cock and tied triangular razor blades to the back of its leg, just above the talons. Everyone gathered in a circle, the roosters were released, and they flew at each other in a puff of dust. In the blink of any eye, one of the poor birds had fallen to the ground and lay there, dead.

It struck us as extremely anticlimactic. I imagined the roosters circling each other like boxers or sumo wrestlers, making parries and retreats. But no. It was over in about a second.

A man told us that we the rooster would be eaten as an offering at the temple. He said this almost apologetically, I imagined, to justify this violent pastime — though I probably imposed that sense of guilt upon him. To him, it was just a way of life. –Wally

“Everyone gathered in a circle, the roosters were released, and they flew at each other in a puff of dust.

In the blink of any eye, one of the poor birds had fallen to the ground and lay there, dead. ”

Pura Gunung Kawi Sebatu Water Temple, Bali: An Off-the-Beaten-Path Oasis

Bathe in and explore this calm and cool ancient holy spring near the Tegalalang Rice Terrace.

Balinese people bathe in the holy fountains at water temples, like Pura Gunung Kawi in the village of Sebatu

Wally and I arrived at the water temple of Gunung Kawi in what seemed like a relatively short distance from the Tegallalang Rice Terrace. I’ve mentioned the traffic-choked roads we experienced during our time on Bali in previous posts, which make destinations feel farther away than they really are.

Our driver Made parked his vehicle and adjusted our sarongs before sending us off to cross the road and purchase tickets to the sacred site.

“Wally peeked over the wall and was surprised to see a naked old man peeing into one of the holy pools. ”

Wally didn’t get all the way in the bathing pool — he and Duke just poured water over their heads

The lichen-covered stones lend Balinese temples an ancient air

An assortment of daily offerings placed at the threshold of the bathing pools are filled with flowers and sticks of incense

The complex was established during the reign of King Udayana in the 11th century and is referred to by locals as Pura Tirta Dawa Gunung Kawi Sebatu. Not to be mistaken with the stone monoliths of Gunung Kawi in the neighboring town of Tampaksiring, this smaller, less-visited holy spring temple dedicated to one of the principal Hindu deities, Vishnu, is located in the highland village of Sebatu.

Looking down upon the complex, with its central pool and fountain of the goddess Saraswati

Walking alongside the road, you can take in a sweeping bird’s-eye view of its immediate surroundings. We made our way down a set of steps and arrived at a meandering path that led us past a few elegant pagoda-style cages, one of which housed a striking yellow-crested cockatoo preening itself.

Pagoda-like birdcages line the main pool

A striking cockatoo with a sulphur-yellow crest

The aviary lines the large reflecting pool with four whimsical stone frogs peeking above the waterline, I suspect they are meant to be fountains, but were either not working, or on when we visited. Surrounding the frogs is the formal pools centerpiece, an ornamental statue of the goddess Saraswati standing atop the back of a swan. The crystal clear waters are filled with well-fed koi fish and overlooked by a grand open-air pavilion with a hipped terra cotta tiled roof.

This platform overlooks the central pool

Holy carp! The pool is filled with koi and isn’t a place for bathing

Not far beyond are a series of small spring-fed pools where locals ritually bathe. Wally and I didn’t feel right entering them, so we improvised by cupping our hands to collect water, which we splashed upon our heads. It was cool and clear and felt refreshing in the early afternoon heat.

Water pours from the weatherworn carved faces in the bathing pools

While I was taking a picture of one of the lichen-covered faces spewing water from its mouth, Wally peeked over the wall and was surprised to see a completely naked old man peeing into one of the holy pools.

Before you cross the threshold of this sacred space, make sure you’re wearing a sarong

Slippery Rock: The Story Behind the Name

According to legend, there once was a man named Mayadenawa, a descendant of the powerful Daitya, a race of demons, and the primordial goddess Danu. He was a practitioner of the dark arts and possessed supernatural powers that allowed him to shapeshift.

When he ascended to the throne, King Mayadenawa regarded himself as a deity, and under this pretense, commanded his subjects to worship him. His behavior angered the storm god Indra, who watched from afar and ordered his celestial armies to attack.

Most temples on Bali have statues of demons

Statues act as guardian spirits

King Mayadenawa knew he was no match for Indra’s troops and manifested a great pool of poisonous water near their encampment. When the army woke, they drank and bathed in the pool. Hundreds fell ill. Seeing this, Indra drove a stake deep into the earth from which a sacred spring emerged. The fleet was immediately reinvigorated as the purified water touched their lips.

To avoid capture, Mayadenawa cunningly morphed into several creatures. Each time, he barely escaped. He transformed into the great bird manuk raya, immortalized in the village of Manukaya. He also appeared as a bulbous green-skinned breadfruit, buah timbul, in what became Timbul village.

Exhausted, Mayadenawa fled and transformed himself into a huge rock. Indra saw droplets of blood forming on the surface of the rock, drew his bowstring back and shot his magical arrow into the boulder. Blood flowed from the stone, forming the Petanu River, which was cursed for a period of 1,000 years.

Sebatu, the village where the temple is located, derives from the Balinese words sauh (meaning “slip”) and batu (“rocks”) or Slippery Rock. As Indra’s troops chased the king, many innocent people lost their footing, giving Sebatu its name.

A wooden effigy of a deer

A Quiet Oasis

As we wandered farther into the complex, we discovered a second rectangular pool with a small, palm-thatch roof shrine on a man-made island embellished on four sides with winged apsara. The backdrop of dense foliage lent a mystical aura to the singular structure.

The main temple was beautiful, but off limits. However, there are a few pavilions and ancillary shrines reserved for ancestral spirits worth exploring. Artisans of this village are known for their woodcarving skills and expressively painted sculptures which can be seen in the intricately carved beams and depictions of otherworldly benevolent and demonic beings.

Taking in the calm surroundings of this unusual, untouched sacred site made us feel like we were our own special world. With the exception of a few locals, Wally and I had Gunung Kawi Sebatu to ourselves. –Duke

Pair a trip to this water temple with the cliff shrines of the same name and the Tegallalang Rice Terrace

Pura Gunung Kawi
Sebatu
Tegallalang
Gianyar
Bali 80511
Indonesia

Kanyakumari and the Healing Waters of Cape Cormorin

A Kovalam day trip to the southern tip of India will wash away your sins.

The restaurants in Varkala, another day trip from Kovalam, put their fresh catches on display

Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to spiritually cleanse themselves with a quick dip?

Our friend Kelly visited the beach town of Kovalam in the state of Kerala, India. Her new friends from a yoga retreat kept talking about a day trip to the southern tip of the county and bathing in the spiritually healing waters found there.

“I took one look, and said, “I’m going to get like 15 different flesh-eating bacteria if I go into this water.” ”

Kanyakumari is where three bodies of water meet: the Bay of Bengal, the Indian Ocean and the Arabian Sea. The spot is also referred as Thriveni Sangamam and amongst English speakers as Cape Comorin. It’s about a two-hour and 45-minute drive down from Kovalam. –Wally

Tell us about the day trips you took from Kovalam.

We went to Varkala, which is an hour and a half north of Kovalam. It has a similar vibe, but it skews much younger. Kovalam seems like a place where older people come to retreat.

Varkala has a similar beachy, hippie vibe as Kovalam but skews younger

We also went to the southern tip of India, Kanyakumari. We visited Suchindram Temple and a couple other touristy things. The temple was white and had seven windows to symbolize the different stages of enlightenment.

Include Suchindram Temple on a day trip to Kanyakumari

There’s this idea that if you bathe in the waters of Kanyakumari, you’ll be cleansed of your sins. I was with a bunch of super granola, hardcore yogis, and they were so all about getting in this water. I took one look, and said, “I’m going to get like 15 different flesh-eating bacteria if I go into this water.” There were tons of people there, and the water smelled bad.

The Thiruvalluvar Statue on a small island off of Kanyakumari depicts a famous Tamil poet and philosopher. He is best known for Thirukkural, a collection of couplets on ethics, politics, economics and love. His statue is 133 feet tall — the same number of chapters in his famous tome

So you didn’t end up getting in the water?

Well…they ended up talking me in. Very reluctantly, I finally got in.

Three bodies of water converge at Kanyakumari, and local lore has it that you can wash away your sins by swimming here

That’s called hippie peer pressure.

I wouldn’t put my head in. They were like, “No, you have to — otherwise your sins won’t be cleansed!” And I was like, “I’m good.”

We were pretty much the only white tourists there. A large crowd of men gathered around the area where my friends and I were bathing. People were taking videos and photos.

Did you find that people were fascinated with you as a white woman?

Everyone wanted to take a selfie with me. I’m on so many random people’s cell phones and Facebook pages.

At one point, I decided that I was sick of everybody looking at us, so I took pictures of them.

Ayurvedic Treatment in Kovalam

Our correspondent undergoes bizarre and intense Ayurveda practices in South India.

Ayurveda treatments often involve an oil that smells like peanut butter, and they can be quite intense

The more I heard about Ayurveda, the more intrigued I became. Why the heck isn’t this a major trend here in the United States, like yoga, acupuncture, or heck, even cupping? Could someone please inform Gwyneth Paltrow she needs to start a new fad?

Our friend Kelly went off to India to attend a yoga retreat to break out of a rut in her practice. While in the beach town of Kovalam in the southern state of Kerala, she also investigated Ayurvedic treatments.

“Yoga and Ayurveda are sister sciences,” Kelly told us. Here she describes her intense Ayurvedic treatment during her stay in India.

“You would lay down on a table and have this oil receptacle that was hung by a chain. A woman would slowly drizzle oil over your forehead, back and forth, for 20 minutes at a time.”

The quality of your hair, how oily or dry your skin is, how cold or hot you get — all of these factor into what your dosha is

What exactly is Ayurveda?

Ayurveda is the practice of balancing your body’s natural constitution, also known as your dosha. Everyone is one of three doshas: vata, pitta and kapha. They’re aligned to different elements. I’m a pitta dosha, so I have certain imbalances in my body that Ayurveda tries to correct.

The doctor did an assessment. Your dosha is made up of physical traits as well as personality characteristics. As a pitta dosha, I’m supposed to eat cooling foods. There’s a whole diet I’m supposed to follow.

The three doshas at the center of the star are aligned with different elements and characteristics

What was the facility like?

I went to two. The first one was super sketch. I went twice and decided it was maybe violating some child labor practices. The second facility was a proper one. It was beautiful inside — a huge wooden, three- or four-story hospital.

Describe the Ayurvedic treatments.

If you want treatment, you have to sign up for a minimum of 10 days. Every day I went for about three hours. The way that it broke down was, they would do a massage for an hour, and then a variety of treatments, depending on where I was in the Ayurveda course.

There was a treatment where they would take cotton cloths filled with herbed powder that they would dip in really hot oil and smack all over my body. Smack, smack, smack, smack!

The Ayurvedic oil they used smelled like peanut butter. The oil is believed to cure basically everything, so they use it in almost all of their treatments.

After that, they would do a powder massage rub. There were three women who would work on you together, in unison.

There were baths with this milk substance, which they’d heat and pour over you again and again. There were herbed water baths. There was this one treatment where there was a wooden pillar with a hanging oil receptacle. You would lay down on the table and you’d have this oil receptacle that was hung by a chain, and the woman would slowly drizzle it over your forehead, creating a line, back and forth, for 20 minutes at a time.

What was that like?

It was very relaxing — but a lot of the treatments were actually very stressful, especially after 10 days.

There a bunch of quizzes you can take to determine what dosha you are. I’ve taken a few — and gotten varying answers. I also tend to get dual prakriti, which signifies that I’m influenced by two doshas. From what Kelly has said, that means I’m a big ol’ mess. –Wally